Tempestuous
by Jasu
Summary: "This is me Lily" He spoke with absolute conviction that thrilled her to the core, "This is me" And he smashed his lips to hers and Lily saw stars.
1. Chapter 1

**My story will not follow a plotline, but will be a series of drabbles centering around key events in Lily and James' relationship. The characters both OC and canon will be consistent throughout the fic, and events will coincide with one another.**

**Tempestuous**

She wondered how it got to this. How did _she _become the one vying for _his_ attention? Just when did the tables turn? When did he stop trying so hard to impress her, be at her every beck and call, and wait for one hour outside her Advanced Charms class just so he could escort her on her 5 minute walk to her tutoring session in the library?

She laughed bitterly to herself. Well of course now that he has her, why would he try so hard? That's right, 3 months into their 7th year and she had officially become his girlfriend. The notorious James Potter had finally bagged perfect Lily Evans.

Well if she was so perfect she wouldn't be in this situation in the first place, she thought to herself. She would be downstairs at the party in the Gryffindor common room, celebrating his team's first victory match against Slytherin. Not alone in the 7th year girls dormitory, sulking because her boyfriend would much rather oblige his groupies, take shots of firewhisky, doing play by plays of the previous match, instead of, well….. _doing _her.

God, she never would have slept with him, if she knew that after doing so, she would become so… needy. What it is about sex that makes a person act so stupid later on?

Maybe it's not sex… maybe it's just her. Or maybe it's him, and the way he was so passionate, so thorough, and so aggressive, but the good kind of aggressive. Jesus, she was losing her mind, and he didn't even care. How could he be so normal after everything, so un-affected?

She hated it. She hated how he'd barely said a word to her all day, hated how he didn't even try to speak to her, even with everyone constantly surrounding him. Hated how they'd argued relentlessly the night before about something so stupid she can't even remember what.

She hated how she was in pieces right now, while he was down there having a grand old time, probably still innocently flirting with Jessica Cattrell, which was the point at which Lily stormed upstairs, tears in her eyes. She hated _him_. Stupid, arrogant, annoying, sexy, gorgeous, perfect James bloody Potter!

"I hate him" Lily whispered harshly, sitting on the edge of Marlene McKinnon's bed.

"You don't hate me,"

She froze, the tiny hairs on the nape of her neck stood on edge, and she felt a tingling sensation down her back, a reaction only he could provoke.

Willing the tears in her eyes back, she plastered a hard look on her face before turning to look over her shoulder.

There he was, casually leaning against the post of Angela Prewitt's bed on the other side of the dorm, one hand in his pocket, invisibility cloak lying on the floor at his feet as if he's been standing there for awhile, just watching her silently fume.

To anyone else, it would have appeared as if he was at ease, casually assessing her. Lily however, could see and feel the intensity in those molten brown eyes of his, piercing her from across the room, his stare confident, unwavering, unhesitant, just like him.

Looking away from him, and silently cursing herself for never being able to hold his gaze she chokingly told him to "Go away!"

"You don't hate me Lily" he repeated quietly, in that same, matter of fact tone.

"I do!" She argued.

She felt rather than saw him break out his stance, and slowly walk towards her. He continued to argue with her right up until he was kneeling down in front of her, his hands resting on her thighs.

She defiantly made sure not to look at him, even though his eyes never left her.

She felt his thumb slowly caress the inside of her thigh. "Lily….please" he whispered

"Stop it," she said softly, looking down at his hands.

He lifted himself up to her and reached out a hand to cup her chin, bringing her gaze to his.

"I said stop!." Lily turned her face away to release her chin from his hand but he was having none of it.

"You don't hate me!." He said passionately.

She lifted her eyes to gaze at his only to have his lips press roughly against hers.

Her breathing quickened as his hands found their way around her waist and he lifted her towards him easily as if she weighed nothing.

She was breathless. How did this happen?

She lost all sense of time and allowed herself to succumb to her senses and to him, and to what he brought out in her.

Laying her down on the bed he manoeuvred himself above her resting his forearms on either side of her head placing a tender but sensuous kiss on her forehead.

Wrapping her legs tightly around his waist, she played with the hem of his shirt shortly before pulling it over his head in one swift movement.

James' hands moved to the zipper of her skirt, only for him to pull it down and rip it away from her feet, all the while planting kisses on her neck.

"I hate you so much," she growled in his ear as he ripped her shirt apart, exposing her floral print bra.

"No you don't," he replied gruffly.

He looked deep into her eyes and held her gaze as he pulled the straps of her bra down her milky white shoulders, and then proceeded to kiss them tracing her collarbone with his tongue.

He stopped as her hands found their way to the front of his trousers. She unbuckled his belt quickly and unzipped his jeans.

Running his hands up her legs, he pulled her closer to him and slowly pulled off her underwear. Throwing them to the side, he bent down and embraced her again, his breath hot and heavy on her lips.

"Tell me you love me" She looked at him defiantly but with adoration.

"No" she replied. He pushed into her in one quick move, causing her to gasp loudly and tighten her legs around his waist.

"Tell me you need me"

She grabbed his shoulders and pulled him closer to her, kissing him passionately. She pulled back "I don't need you"

She leaned up to kiss him again.

He allowed her to kiss him but didn't respond.

Sensing his stillness she pulled back slowly, searching his eyes.

Suddenly, he looked at her, as if he just conjured up some brilliant plan.

He held her face with his hands on either side, and slowly began moving inside her.

"I love you" he said. She gasped and looked away, but he held onto her tight,

"Look at me Lily…..I love you"

"James...don't" she whispered.

He picked up his pace, repeating his sentiments and more. Lily cried out at the effect he was having on her, scraping her nails down his back, leaving long red marks. James groaned loudly into her ear, making her smile widely.

Digging her nails in harder, she pushed herself closer to him, making him breath louder.

Her own breath came in gasps as James' hips moved rhythmically faster, the sweat pumping from his chest landing in droplets onto Lily's own searing hot skin. She was so close to the edge.

"Say it Lil, come on " and then she was undone.

She reached her orgasm screaming his name.

James gave one last shaky breath as he retreated quickly and turned away from her.

Lily lay there in the afterglow of what they'd done, and then turned to him. He was pulling his jeans back on, looking anywhere but at her.

"You can't even look at me anymore!" Lily cried as she gasped for breath.

James didn't reply. He put his shirt back on and made to walk towards the door.

"James!" she exclaimed, deeply hurt.

He didn't hesitate and was about to turn the handle.

She bounded off the bed, subconciously dragging the sheets with her.

Running towards him in her nude state, she wrapped her arms around him, preventing him from leaving.

"I love you!" she cried, her head resting against his back, tears soaking the back of his shirt.

"I love you! I need you so much! Just…don't go."

He turned around holding her in his arms, laughing. He pulled her chin up towards him so she was staring directly into his eyes

"I know" he whispered.

"Lily I know you love me, I just wanted you to know you love me"

A thousand emotions ran through her. Relief, anger, love for the man in front of her. She hit his chest.

"I knew you only hated me for making you want me so badly." He raised a hand and brushed his thumb over her jaw before leaning down and kissing her neck gently.

"Fuck you," she whispered.

"You already did," he said quietly in her ear. "I still love you all the same though."

She held him tightly, only semi-conscious of her nude state. "I love you too…idiot"

She pulled back suddenly "How the hell did you get up here!?" she asked

"Lily, lily, lily, ask me no questions and I shall tell you no lies"

She looked at him smugly, "Well in that case, ill let you deal with Marlene when she asks what the hell happened on her bed"

End


	2. Chapter 2

_NB: This takes place before Lily and James got together. Chapter 1, takes place months after this event. I might put the chapters in event order later on. But for now, enjoy!_

**Chapter 2**

"Well are you going to talk to me?"

He didn't answer, just stared into those deep green eyes of hers, analyzing as if searching for something….something that wasn't there.

If she was honest with herself, she was rather unnerved at the look he was giving her,

"Look if you're not going to say anything, then what was the point of asking me to come here in the first place?

Earlier, she didn't know what to expect, when after Potions he'd surreptitiously shoved that torn piece of parchment into her hand asking her to meet him by the statue of Barnabus the Barmy at 10:17. Ten _seventeen. _What the hell was that about?

"Why did you come?" He quietly asked.

Ok_ that, _she certainly wasn't expecting.

"Because you asked me obviously!" she answered incredulously. Pulling the scrap piece of parchment out of her bag she held it out him. "Remember this?" she implored

"Yes but when do you ever listen to _me"_

"I…." She didn't know what to say.

Perhaps she herself didn't know the answer to his question.

"James, I'm really not in the mood for twenty-one questions. Either say whatever it is you wanted to say, or I'm leaving, I've had a long day today, and have an early start tomorrow morning, so if the only reason you asked me up here was to badger me about…..my motivations or whatever, I think I'll be leaving now, thank you very much.

He smirked at that "……motivations?" he asked, humour in his eyes.

"Oh shut up!" she snapped.

"My my my, not very articulate at this time of night are we Lily" He mockingly remarked.

"Well Potter, unlike yourself not all of us possess the hyperactivity and alertness of a ten year-old on a sugar-rush 24 7." She added crossing her arms over chest. She was suddenly overcome with this need to impress him. She didn't want him to think she was some common ditz. She wanted to prove that she could hold an interesting conversation, that she could give as good as she got. Why the hell did she even care in the first place, she silently wondered.

"I retract my previous statement" he stated, still smiling.

Her response was a smug look on her face.

"So why _did_ you come?" he implored again.

She searched his face and noticed that he was indeed genuinely curious.

"You requested it" She answered indifferently

"And you obliged my request because….." he trailed off, clearly waiting for her to finish the end of that sentence.

She sighed tiredly "We could do this all night James"

"Oh if only." he muttered to himself

"What was that?"

"Nothing, it's not important"

They stood there albeit awkwardly for a moment. Not saying a word.

She began to fidget with the fraying ends of her school skirt. Thinking she'll ask Marlene to mend that for her. Lord knew she was a perfectionist when it came to appearance, unlike Lily who only ever did the bare minimum. Marlene would spend hours in the girls' bathroom, primping herself to make sure she'd look immaculate. Lily spent 15 minutes in the bathroom doing just enough, so that she wouldn't look haggard.

"I wanted to ask you about Marlene"

Her head shot up and she stared at him in shock, thinking for a second that he'd read her mind. Was he an Occlumens!?

Then she realised how ridiculous that was. God it was too late for this. She wanted her bed.

"Yes…what about her?" she asked quietly, slightly breathless.

He slowly stepped closer to her. Looking at her intently, giving her the same unnerving feeling he gave her earlier.

Suddenly he shrugged, glancing off into the distance in thought, and then casually remarked, "Well I've been thinking about asking her to the next Hogsmeade trip, you know she's been looking very….." he trailed off and then directed his gaze back towards her "appealing" he enunciated quietly, almost seductively, keeping his eyes on her.

She felt cold water filling the pit of her stomach at his words, fusing with the fire she felt in her lungs, choking her up. Could this be….was this….._jealousy_, she thought to herself with dread.

He continued "I mean today in potions she was looking…." He trailed off whistling in a low voice "you know what I mean Lily?

It took a while for her to find her voice, and she was horrified, that it came out all croaky and quiet.

"I don't see how you liking Marlene, liking… Marlene…my _best friend _Marlene has anything to do with me James"

"Well of course it does!" he exclaimed boisterously, apparently oblivious to her inner turmoil, "Like you said, she's your best friend. Ask her what she thinks of me, tell me what she likes, find out if she'd agree to go on a date…." He went on and on.

For the first time after receiving the initial shock of James fancying Marlene, she stopped to think of Marlene, and then it happened.

It felt as if a bubble of relief grew and grew inside her and then exploded, releasing tiny bubbles of happiness flying all around inside her body. So intense was the feeling that she burst out laughing.

James stopped mid-rant to appraise her, looking at her worriedly and a bit annoyed. He asked what the hell was so funny.

"Oh James", she stated out of breath, still laughing, "James…I'm sorry but…Marlene….Marlene" and then she burst out laughing all over again.

"What!? Marlene what!?" he asked angrily, impatient.

"James" she started, quieting down slightly but still giddy

"James, Marlene…..she doesn't like you!" she stated laughing again.

His face grew stoic, angry even.

"What?" he asked seriously.

She grew slightly serious at the penetrating look he was giving her but the feeling of relief was still evident on her face.

"I'm sorry James but…she hates you, she'd never agree to go out with you. She hates your guts and she'd proba-" He cut her off mid sentence and viciously grabbed her arms pulling her towards him, bringing his face close to hers, forcing her to meet his gaze.

His was voice was quiet, calm but was spoken with such vindictiveness and hate that it shook her very core. "Why? Why does she hate me Lily, why would she say no?" He mockingly asked.

Afraid, she tried to pull out of his grip but if anything he tightened his grip on her arms, preventing her escape. "Is it because _you_ hate me Lily? Because you'd rather date the Giant _fucking _Squid than be with me"

Her own words came were thrown back at her, and tears built in her eyes.

"James you're hurting me" She whispered.

He pushed her away from him instantly, walking backwards, pinching the bridge of his nose, as if thoroughly stressed.

Even after everything he'd put her through, making her meet him in the dead of night, badgering her endlessly, mocking her, asking her to set him up with Marlene, and then treating her so roughly, looking at him now….so defeated and tired, she felt guilt and sorrow for him.

"I'm sorry" she said quietly.

He looked up at her then. Anticipating something it seemed.

She continued "I never knew you felt that…that strongly."

He walked towards her slowly, listening intently, not saying a word.

"I didn't mean to offend you…I honestly didn't."

She was nervous as hell, scared that if she said the wrong thing she might trigger him to lash out at her.

Berating herself for her lack of tact earlier, she cautiously appraised him.

He must have sensed that she was afraid, for he visibly softened. His hair as usual was messed up, sticking out in all directions. Hazel eyes with the slightest hint of green were fixed on her own bright green ones. His uniform was mussed up. Clean white shirt hanging loose over his pants with the two top buttons undone, tie hanging loose around his shirt collar which was also sticking up. The shirt sleeves were rolled up to his elbows revealing smooth, tanned, lean arms.

She suddenly had the urge to run her hands over his body, not because she was attracted to him…no never that, just because she was…curious? Yes…curious.

He was suddenly a lot closer, looking into her eyes intently, daring her to make some sort of move.

She was intoxicated. Intoxicated by how close he was, by his smell, by his stare, by his presence. By everything it seemed.

She had no idea what to say or do.

"I'll…..erm, I'll talk to Marlene for you" she offered.

He looked confused for a moment, then realisation dawned upon him.

He laughed bitterly, mockingly at her, he stepped back to assess her more clearly, looked her up and down and laughed out loud in such a way, it was as if he was cursing the fates for this whole predicament.

Lily had never been so confused. What the hell was wrong with this guy!

He was still laughing cruelly at her, and now she was angry. "What the hell is so funny Potter!"

"You're so stupid Lily! so bloody blind!" he exclaimed

"What the hell are you talking ab-" She was about to give him a piece of her mind and then something just seemed to click inside her head.

Like pieces to a puzzle she replayed the past few moments to herself. Him insisting on meeting her here, the ridiculous questions he asked, his unfounded anger at her about Marlene, the way he was looking at her and finally his last words to her resounded loudly in her head like a megaphone was stuck between her ears "You're so bloody blind!"

That's when it all hit her. The horrible conclusion to this horrible night, the dawning realisation of what was really going on, and the truth of it hurt her so much that tears instantly sprang to her eyes again.

She felt so hurt and so, so unbelievably angry at him, that her voice became deadly quiet when she finally spoke.

"You don't fancy Marlene do you" It was more of a statement than a question.

He looked at her and didn't even flinch at her visible anger or tone of voice when he harshly answered.

"Of course I fucking don't!"

She stood there seething, not being able to hold back her tears of anger and frustration. He continued.

"I can't stand her. She's thinks way too much of herself, walking around like she's better than everybody"

"_Just like you then_!?" The nerve of him! Who was he to pass judgement on her friends? That arrogant, pretentious prick!

"Yeah we'll I've never made my_ own friends_ feel like they're beneath me."

Now _that_ got her attention. The atmosphere became tenser than it was before, and Lily was already on the edge.

Slowly but quietly she asked "What _exactly_…is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh for once cut the ignorant crap Lily!" He shouted. She stepped back, hoping beyond all measure, that he wouldn't go _there_.

It was one thing to internally deal with the insecurities and doubts she felt but she'd be damned before she'd let James Potter of all people stand there and throw her own insecurities back at her.

But he was absolutely relentless.

"You're practically her bitch Lily, following her around buttering up her ego. She only keeps you around so you can kiss her ass when she's feeling low or god forbid, when she breaks a fucking nail!"

That was her breaking point. She marched up to him with a vengeance and slapped him straight across his face. Tears pouring out of her eyes.

"How _dare_ you! Who the fuck do you think you are saying that to me!? Marlene's the only one who has ever been there for me. More so than anybody else, so how dare you assume that you know anything about our friendship.

His face was still facing the direction she slapped him.

"You don't understand how difficult it is being a muggleborn in a school, where the majority of students are purists. We're in the midst of a battle for equality James and I am constantly judged in everything I do, and to have you stand there and judge and to mock the _one_ support-line I have in this school……well FUCK you James Potter!

He turned his head to look at her, feeling all-consuming guilt, but it was nothing compared to what he felt, when he took in her appearance.

Her bright red hair was mussed, cheeks were splotched with patches of deep pink, her large green eyes were wet and glistening and she was breathing heavily. However, it was the passion, determination, fight and pride in her eyes which shook his core.

He swore he fell in love with her all over again.

"I'm sorry" he uttered quietly but sincerely.

They were quiet then, for how long they couldn't say. Perhaps for a second, or maybe an eternity.

Finally she spoke…softly but with conviction.

"If you're sorry James, truly sorry….you'll promise to leave me alone from now on"

He felt as if she'd asked him to stop breathing.

"Stop sending me notes, stop asking me out, leave my friends alone, don't speak to me. Just please, _please_ leave me alone" She tearily begged, stepping further and further away from him.

He panicked. There was no way he could leave things like this. Just as he was about to stop her, a noise caught their attention.

"Who's out there!?"

It was Filch.

"Shit" James muttered.

He grabbed his invisibility cloak out of his schoolbag which was perched on the statue of Barnabus the Barmy. He motioned to Lily to get under it with him.

She hesitated, clearly weighing the pros and cons of getting caught by Filch or being stuck with James under his invisibility cloak.

The latter won as she quickly scurried towards James, who promptly covered the both of them. James had his back against the wall. Lily's back was pressed tightly against his chest.

Becoming aware of just how close she was to him, she moved forward slightly only to have his arms encircle her waist and pull her back towards him.

"Don't move" he whispered.

Filch was slowly trotting down their corridor, his wooden leg making a consistent "_clunk, clunk_" sound against the stone floor.

Lily was hoping he would pass by quickly so she could get out from under James' cloak and away from him.

However the Gods were not on her side as it seemed, for Filch promptly sat himself down mere metres from where they were hiding and opened a bottle of mulled mead, drinking slowly, singing to himself and petting Mrs Norris.

They were going to be stuck there for at least another fifteen minutes or so.

Lily suddenly became very conscious of the arms that were settled around her waist.

She wasn't going to say anything, and it seemed like he wasn't about to start a conversation either.

Good, she thought to herself. She wouldn't know what to say anyway, and was more than happy to rest against that toned chest of his until Filch left.

Just as she was getting settled, she felt his arms slowly remove themselves from around her waist, and then out of nowhere she felt his hands slowly but sensuously slide up and down her waist.

She could feel his hot breath against her ear, and then he nuzzled the skin behind it.

"What are you doing?" she quietly asked, so as to not be heard by Filch.

She felt him smirk against her cheek.

"Nothing" he whispered in reply, and then he grazed his teeth along her earlobe.

She gasped and made to pull away, but he promptly held her in place.

"Shhh Lily" He whispered kissing her behind her ear "You don't want to get caught now do you?"

This was cruel, she thought. After everything that had transpired, _this _was how he was acting?

He ran his hands down her waist one final time before running them slowly up her stomach under her school shirt, towards her breasts.

"I'll hate you if you do this" she tried pleading with him.

"You hate me already" he replied quietly, and then he was languorously placing open mouthed kisses down her neck.

Oh god this was torture, sweet, evil torture.

"I want to be with you Lily" he whispered.

Her heart began beating erratically.

"It always been you, no one else"

She gasped aloud at the sensations he was giving her, and then quickly looked to Filch who albeit drunkenly was still singing to himself.

"I want to be the one who's there for you Lily" He professed, as he ran his right hand over right breast, his left hand now running down her thigh, lips tracing her jaw.

"Let me be the one you turn to"

"I can't" she whispered, afraid. Of what, she didn't know yet.

"Yes you can, you can do anything Lily" His hot breath against her ear was sending shivers down her spine. His hand was running up her thigh under her frayed school skirt.

"You can do anything you want, you're so amazing" he whispered, kissing her neck again.

"You're just so….so fucking beautiful" he declared before pulling her face towards his to passionately kiss her.

There they were, front to back, his right arm holding her against him and his left hand holding her chin as he kissed her with everything he had.

She'd responded enthusiastically, unaware of how long they were there.

When she finally pulled away from him, she realised that Filch had already left and stepped away from him about to head back to her room.

"Oh and Lily"

He grabbed her hand before she could leave. She stopped but didn't dare look at him

"I promise that I will never ever, _ever _leave you alone. No matter how many times either of us fucks up, no matter how many times you beg me to leave you alone, I will always come for you, fight for you, only you"

She didn't respond. She didn't need to

He let go of her hand and watched her walk away. He didn't see the smile that she wore on her face all the way back to her room. He didn't need to.

End

**Please read and review if you'd like me to continue with this fic. Feedback is always appreciated, and I am open to suggestions and ideas.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**(Part 1)**

"What do you see in him?" He probed.

She sighed. This conversation was getting far too old for her taste.

"Can we please not do this now?" she requested.

"I'm just curious. I thought you hated his guts, even more than me!" He spoke, just barely containing his frustration.

She laughed out loud at that one. "I don't think anyone alive hates him more than you do Severus"

He leaned back in his chair, to carefully appraise her.

"Well forgive me, but I was under the impression that a certain Lily Evans had shared the same sentiments….clearly this isn't the case anymore"

To prove his point, he carefully lifted the scarf lying on the table next to her books as if it was contaminated, the scarf she had been wearing when she came to meet him in the library, _his_ scarf. He tossed it back onto the table with distaste.

"So what happened Lily? What changed? Did you fall for that so-called, second rate charm of his? He asked snidely.

She didn't respond. She continued jotting down he notes as if she didn't hear him, with a slightly amused smile on her face.

This wasn't what he wanted. He wanted a definitive reaction out of her. He wanted to provoke her.

He wasn't _exactly _sure what he was hoping she'd say but all he knew was that he most definitely didn't want her sitting there with that ridiculous patronising smirk of hers.

She never used to smirk that way. 'It must be Potter's influence' he thought bitterly.

"Seriously Lily, I didn't think you'd stoop to all the other girls' standards, thought you'd be a bit smarter than that. Guess I was wrong.

She looked up at him smiling. "I know what you're trying to do Sev and it's not going to work. Nothing can rain on my parade" She stated cheekily and went back to writing her notes, that permanent smile plastered to her face.

Ever since she'd become Potter's girl, she'd had this consistent happy glow to her, that made her features sparkle. Her laughter was free and easy her demeanour content. She was just overall pleasant to be around.

It pissed him off beyond belief.

He let out a harsh breath. There was no point in working himself up over it he thought, Potter clearly made her happy, and hadn't messed up…..yet.

This was just something he'd have to learn how to cope with. It shouldn't be too hard. He'd learnt to cope with worse he mused, briefly thinking of his father.

Yes. He'd be the good friend, spending time with her whenever possible. These study meetings in the library was all he had to look forward to during these long tedious weeks and he'd be damned before he let himself or anyone else for that matter jeopardize them.

They would meet 2-3 times a week, in the furthest darkest corner of the library next to a small window which provided just enough light so that they could read and write without having to strain their eyes.

In all honesty, it wasn't the most practical part of the library to study, but was by far the most private, which was absolutely fine by Severus who was happy being anywhere with Lily, especially without the intrusion of others.

They sat there in amicable silence, quietly enjoying each others' company, whilst occasionally batting questions back and forth and cross-referencing notes.

Every so often he would stop and appraise her while she was distracted with writing, admiring her effortless beauty.

She was naturally pretty, from the way her nose would slope, to her cupid's bow lips, her peachy pale skin and his favourite feature, her striking large green eyes, which were now rapidly scanning 'Ancient Runes: Advanced Formulae.'

Potter was one lucky bastard.

Their studying was disturbed when they heard a quiet scratching noise behind the next bookshelf. Severus ignored it but Lily whipped her head around panicked, eyes wide in search for whatever it was.

"What's wrong?" He enquired, bemused by her extreme reaction.

"Did you hear that!" she asked worriedly.

He gave her an odd look.

"Yeah, but its most likely nothing Lily" He explained slowly.

She went back to her reading, but seemed a little on edge still.

"What's wrong? He asked "You've been very...paranoid today" He stated. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine, it's nothing" She assured him.

Not believing her, but deciding not to push the matter, he went back to sketching his runes chart, and solving the calculations

"Isn't that Pettigrew?" He asked after awhile.

Her head shot up so fast, he was sure she's suffer whiplash later on.

"What! Where!" she demanded

"Right over there" he motioned with his head.

Sure enough she saw Peter pick up a dusty looking book from the other far end of the bookshelf to their left. They then watched him leave the library.

Severus sneered "Well then, never thought I'd see the day when one of Potter's lackeys came into the library. I feel privileged to have bore witness." He mocked looking to her with a smirk, hoping she'd indulge with him on his joke, wanting to make her laugh like Potter always did.

Instead, she looked a bit green, staring at the spot where Pettigrew left.

"You...you don't think he saw us do you?" She sounded slightly panicked, which puzzled him.

"So what if he did see us" He questioned.

She looked down guiltily.

"Lily what's going on?" He asked, before coming to a realization which made his stomach drop.

They were quiet for awhile.

"Potter doesn't know you're here with me, does he?" he stated bitterly.

She looked away, silently confirming his thoughts,

"Oh for _gods sake_ Lily! What, did you make some sort of promise to him that you wouldn't talk to me?" He was infuriated beyond belief.

"I just said that I wouldn't meet up with you so much outside classes..." She whispered guiltily. She never could lie to him.

"And you agreed!?" He said with hurt and shock.

"No!" She grabbed his hand to appease him.

"You don't understand!" She continued "He was already under so much stress with classes and quidditch practices, and plus his mother has been very _very_ unwell"

He huffed with nonchalance, displaying just how little he cared.

"Sev, I didn't want to fight with him over this, over anything. This is just temporary, till everything blows over and then I'll talk to him. I promise"

He stared at her, a hard expression on his face.

"So where does Golden Boy think you are now" He asked moodily

She started to fidget with her earlobe, something she did when she was nervous.

She spoke quietly and with trepidation "In the hospital wing with Alice, visiting her boyfriend Frank"

"How innocent" He remarked mockingly.

"Can we just please forget about this, _please" _

"....Fine..." He answered reluctantly and picked up his quill, nearly snapping it from his tight grip.

He'd managed to push aside his feelings of jealousy and resentment, and half an hour had passed. He was doing fine with keeping his feelings at bay. That was until he saw her subconsciously lift her hand to move her glorious red hair from one side of her shoulder to the other shoulder, revealing a large red-purplish mark on the side of her neck. The mark was so large and so dark in colour that it stood out against her fair skin. Even in what little light they had, he could see it clear as day.

It was clearly a love bite,

James' bite no doubt.

That thought alone made his blood boil with envy and hatred.

Hatred at the fact that Potter had his nasty paws and mouth all over Lily, and envy at the fact that she must have let him. Encouraged him even.

Hell, she probably moaned with satisfaction and whispered his name again and again, running her beautiful hands over his detestable body, as he sucked at her like the leech that he is.

She must have had her legs wrapped tightly around his waist, keeping him pressed against her frame, as he did wicked things to her, things she's too innocent, angelic and pure to experience- "Severus are you okay!?"

She was looking at him worriedly.

He realised he was breathing harshly, knuckles were white from clinging onto the edge of the table, and he was shaking with fury.

At her worried look, he attempted to collect himself but his eyes kept straying to that offending mark on her neck, taunting him, revealing hidden secrets and moments, shared between the girl who he was sure he loved and his sworn enemy.

She noticed he was staring horrifically at something on her neck and went to feel what it was. She hissed lightly when the tips of her fingers came into contact with the sensitive skin, and then like a flash she remembered James' 'ahem' _enthusiasm_ this morning in the prefects' bathroom, when he coaxed her into bathing with him.

Mortified, and blushing to tips of her roots, she quickly brushed her back over her shoulder, effectively concealing the mark from his view.

"Sorry" she muttered embarrassedly, even though she had no idea what she was apologizing for.

She was going to kill James when she saw him, or better yet...return the favour she thought wickedly.

She remembered this morning vividly, how he mauled her neck with fervour, while their naked glistening bodies rubbed against each other, as she pleasured him. How he had her pinned at the edge of the tub, his hands gripping the marble edges, whilst her right one was between their bodies, intimately touching his- "Lily are you done with 'Advanced Potions?'"

"What? Oh….yeah, sure. Here" She handed the textbook to Severus, embarrassed at her train of thought a moment earlier.

Needless to say James had been in a _very _good mood for the rest of the morning. Lily was glad because this helped to alleviate the guilt she felt knowing that she'd be secretly spending time with Severus behind James' back just hours later, while he was at quidditch practice.

Quidditch was the only thing that distracted him long enough from knowing where she was and with whom. Even though it was absolutely innocent, she knew that he absolutely detested her spending any time with Severus. James was adamant that the 'slimy git' was plotting to take her away from him, which was completely ridiculous.

The fact that James would even think that anyone had a shot in hell of taking her away from him, baffled her. She was so in love with him, at times she'd just cry at the intensity of the feelings he brought out in her.

Then at other times, she would think that if their relationship was as strong as they both thought, then surely she should be able to tell him who she was meeting and when, and surely he shouldn't have a problem with that if he trusted her.

She sighed, blowing a wisp of hair off her face. Enough was enough. Tonight she'd sit James down and talk to him. Come clean with the situation, and then everything would be alright. She hated lying to him, and knew he'd be furious if he found out, but the quicker they discussed this, the quicker they could put this behind them.

Looking at her watch, she noted that James would be back from quidditch practice in 10 minutes or so. Packing up her things, she thought that maybe she'd head to down to meet him and walk back with him to the common room. Maybe stop off for a quick rendezvous in an empty broom cupboard.

"I'll see you Tuesday at three Sev. I want to finish off that Potions assignment, so we can start work on finding the ingredients for that antidote" she added, grabbing James' scarf.

"Severus are you listening to me?" She looked at him and trailed off.

He wasn't looking at her but rather at something behind her. At the other end of the book-shelf from where they were sitting, he was focusing on something with furious concentration.

She looked behind to see what he was glaring at and her heart stopped.

There _he _was, standing at the other end of that long bookshelf. The man who haunted her every thought, the man who had the power to love her so thoroughly and bring her so much happiness but also had the power to bring her so much pain.

Peter was cowering behind him, torn between not wanting to be seen but obviously not wanting to miss out on the piece of the action he was hoping would unfold.

Wearing his quidditch gear, hair windswept, face red from exertion and now anger, he was looking directly at her.

Betrayal, shock, anger and hurt were written all over his beautiful face. He looked at her with such bitterness and disappointment, she swore she felt her heart tear at the sight

He'd never looked at her like that before.

His eyes shifted to her right, and narrowed at the sight of Severus. The hurt and betrayal was replaced with such raw ferocity, that even she cowered. He clenched his fist tightly, and moved forward slightly as if he was ready to kill him with his bare hands.

He stalked forward like a lion targeting its' prey, eyes ablaze, letting nothing get in his way.

Severus stood quickly, reaching for his wand, looking James directly in the eye.

Just before James could reach his enemy, Lily stepped out in front him blocking his path, effectively halting him in his tracks.

His eyes snapped to hers, which were silently pleading with not to act upon what his anger.

Again, that awful look of betrayal seeped back onto his face as he stared at the woman who had his heart. The woman who he _thought_ loved him back just as passionately as he did her. The woman that up until now, he believed he could trust.

Cautiously she reached out to touch his face, trying to bring back that familiar loving, warm gaze he reserved just for her.

He wouldn't have it. Just before she could reach him, he roughly grabbed hold of her wrist in mid-air only to viciously shove it back towards her.

She was utterly shocked and devastated at his actions.

No matter how bad of an argument they'd got into before, no matter how much she angered him at times, he had never prevented her from putting her hands on him, even if it was to slap him. Now here she was, attempting to console the obvious internal torment that raged within him, and he wouldn't let her near him

She felt like collapsing.

Without warning he turned on his heel and stalked out the library, harshly kicking out at a chair blocking his way, prompting Madam Pince to dock five points from Gryffindor.

Lily watched in agony as he stormed out, his quidditch robes billowing out behind him.

It took her a couple of seconds to respond. Realising that she had to stop him, before he permanently walked out her life, she made to run after him, only to have Severus stop her by grabbing her hand, the same hand that James had denied.

"Lily wait!" He exclaimed

"LET GO!" She screamed at him, tears in her eyes.

He did so, instantly, and she raced after James as if the devil himself was on her tail.

She ran out of the library, seeing him turn left into an adjoining corridor, further down.

"James STOP!" She shouted. She knew he must have heard her, and yet he didn't turn around.

Feeling her throat close up, she ran after him

She eventually caught up getting strange looks from a group of third years along the way. She kept two steps behind him, not daring to touch him, unable to take another stinging rejection.

His pace was brisk, taking lengthy strides, and she had to make quick work of her feet just to keep up with him.

"James, I can explain!" She tried. 'God, how cliché did that sound' she thought to herself.

"Will you stop and just...just listen to what I have to say!" She was out of breath and panting.

If it was as if he didn't hear her but she saw his square jaw clench from the side view of his angry face.

"Why won't you listen!?" She cried "Do you really hate me that much!?"

Her legs gave way, and she fell on her knees.

Whether it was from the exertion or the emotional gravity of the situation, she wasn't sure. She covered her face with her hands, wanting to wake up from this horrible, horrible nightmare.

She was like that for a minute, just sitting there on her knees, not hearing anything or anyone, completely deserted in the corridor. Or so she thought.

She took her hands away from her face, expecting to see nothing but an empty hallway. Instead she saw James looming over her, regarding her with an unreadable expression. She stared up at him, waiting for him to make some sort of move, because God knew she was already exhausted from what had transpired.

They kept their gazes locked for a brief moment, before he grabbed her left arm and hauled her to her feet. She cried out at the force at which he grabbed her and was sure her arm would be bruised.

He dragged her into a nearby empty classroom.

Once they were inside, he slammed the door so hard, it shook. He placed a locking charm on the door, and the sound of the lock clicking into place, made Lily gulp with nervousness.

Facing the door and resting his right against the wooden frame, James struggled to control his erratic breathing.

'Strange' he thought. Hours of quidditch training rarely got him out of breath but seeing _her_ with that bastard had him feeling as if he was stuck underwater.

He didn't believe Peter, when he told him what he had witnessed in the Library. In thefurthest_, _darkest,_ most secluded_ corner in the library no doubt, he thought, gritting his teeth.

He was already pissed off when Peter interrupted his demonstration of a Wronski Feint, and to hear that his girlfriend was currently off somewhere with that greasy fucker, whispering sweet-nothings to him, holding his hand. He immediately saw red.

By what Peter had told him, this apparently hadn't been their first clandestine meeting, not by far. Lily had been meeting up with Snape regularly while James was otherwise occupied with Quidditch practices, making up every excuse under the sun. Claiming she was at the hospital wing with Alice, tutoring second years, Helping Dorcas find an outfit for her date…God! Just how many times had she lied to him!

He had been fuming the entire way to the library, sprinting while Peter unsuccessfully tried to keep up with him. He felt nothing but anger, hoping against hope that it wouldn't be true.

It was like a sucker punch to his gut, when he saw them, and all his anger was replaced with heartbreak. Seeing her beautiful face, glow with that content smile.

She hadn't seen him approach, neither did Snape at first. She was distracted, off in some pleasant day dream by the look on her face.

He despised how being with Snape could make her smile that way, it was the very same smile that he often had the pleasure of inducing.

He stood there, waiting for her to notice him, and when she had, he immediately wished she hadn't, immediately wished that he'd walked straight out of that library before either of them had noticed, for the look she gave him confirmed his worst suspicions.

It was guilt that consumed her features, resignation to the fact that she'd been caught doing something she knew she shouldn't have done in the first place. He swore in that moment he felt something akin to hatred for her.

Hatred for lying to him, hatred for stringing him along, hatred for _betraying_ him, and not just with anyone but his sworn enemy.

Looking at him, he thought that he had never despised anyone so much as he did in that very moment. He felt as if he wouldn't be at peace unless that person who so was so openly glaring at him, was choking on his own blood. He wanted him dead. He swore that he would have carried out that vendetta if she hadn't stepped out in front him, swore that Hogwarts would be one less of a student if she hadn't looked at him with those damned pleading eyes of hers. The current bane of his existence.

Well _of course_ she would defend him. He had thought bitterly. God forbid that anything happen to her precious _Sev._

And then she had the nerve, the audacity to try and touch him. He'd be damned if ever let Lily fucking Evans lay a hand on him again, play him for a fool a second time.

He didn't even know why he stopped for her in the corridor as she chased him, pleading with him. Had no fucking clue why he dragged her into this classroom and locked the door.

Maybe he wanted to give her a piece of his mind, crush her like she just did him, maybe he wanted to listen to what she had to say. Or maybe he was complete fool after all.

Taking a deep breath he glanced over his shoulder and saw her standing there in the centre of the dusty, abandoned classroom, wringing her hands, looking at him with immense apprehension.

She was afraid of him he realized.

With slow, deliberate steps, he stalked towards her, keeping his eyes on hers. However unlike how he went for Snape, this was completely different from how an animal stalks its' prey.

It was like a how a lion pinions his lioness, deciding he was going to take her right then and there whether she willed it or not, facing her as he claims her with his gaze, daring her to refuse him.

Lily met his gaze head on, absolutely refusing to be intimidated by him.

He stopped right in front of her, barely leaving any space in between them, looking down at her, while she stared up at him.

Lily nervously waited for him to say or do something.

It was a while before he said anything. He stood there staring at her, keeping absolutely still, before he cocked his to the side and spoke quietly, but in the silence of the room is voice reverberated of the walls and through her body.

"Well?" He asked.

She didn't say anything, not understanding.

"Go on Lily" He continued mockingly "Here's your chance to explain yourself. Personally I can't wait to hear how you manipulate and lie your way out of this one. Please, _humour me." _He finished vindictively.

Gathering her thoughts she tried to speak.

"I didn't manipulate you James" She stated, with strength that she didn't possess at the moment.

He glared at her, and then spoke with bitter sarcasm.

"What. Is that the best you can come up with? _Come on now, _surely you can do better than that. Go on try again." He folded his arms across his chest.

She didn't know how to respond. Suddenly everything she wanted to say was warped from her mind, blocked by the shock at the way in which he was speaking to her. What happened to her sweet loving boyfriend? She wanted her James back.

"I'm waiting Evans" He bit out.

Tears gathered in her eyes.

He saw this, roughly grabbing her arms, he shook her slightly.

"Don't cry! Don't you fucking cry Lily! You don't get to cry!"

She turned her head away from him, failingly willing her tears back, but he pulled her face back towards his.

"Look at me when I'm speaking to you! Look at what you've done to me!" He shouted. "You lied to me! You fucking betrayed me with that bastard!"

"She tried struggling out his grip but he wouldn't relent"

"Tell me Lily" He dropped his voice to a scathing whisper "Do you let him touch you, like you let me…?

She swore her insides turned to ice. She looked to him in shock, hoping beyond belief that he didn't seriously think that she would…

He was waiting for an answer, a pained expression on his face. He seriously believed that she could cheat on him, and this wasn't just something he pulled out the air to hurt her.

She had never felt so insulted in her life.

All of a sudden she pushed him away from her with such force, she marvelled at her strength.

After everything they had been through, everything they had done, after the morning they had shared, he thought that she was so cheap as to fool around with someone else, _mere hours_ after being with him.

"How…how _dare _you James? If you think that I would…that I could, even THINK about doing that to you"

She struggled trying to form a coherent sentence.

"Then, then you don't know me… or…DESERVE ME AT ALL JAMES POTTER!" She finished hotly.

Something flashed in his eyes.

"WELL WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO PROVE OTHERWISE LILY!? He shouted back like a madman, not fully comprehending what he was saying

"WHAT SIGN IS THERE TO PROVE THAT YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WITH SNAPE PLAYING THE PART OF THE TWO-BIT WHOR- 'SMACK!'

Lily slapped him straight across his face, before he could finish his sentence, before he damaged their relationship beyond repair, before she started to hate his guts.

He looked back at her scathingly, jaw clenched, eyes raging.

"Feel better about yourself now!?"

She couldn't believe how relentless he was.

"James" She whispered sadly "No one in the world, has me the way you do, and if you can't see that……then there's no hope for us. She finished, upset.

He stood there still as night, with a cold expression adorning his features.

"Yeah. No one apart from Snape!" He spat.

Her heart broke. "I can't speak to you when you're like this." She told him, side stepping him hastily heading for the door of the classroom.

He grabbed her arm before she got too far, spinning her around to face him.

"LET GO OF ME!" She screamed.

"NO!" He shouted back, slamming her against the wall, pinning her between his hands on either side of her head.

She struggled to get out but managed to push his hand away trying again to escape.

He grabbed her arm and pulled her back with such force that she tripped and would have landed flat on her face of the stone floor if his reflexes hadn't been quick. He had managed to effectively twist himself so that he broke her fall, making her land on top of him on the floor. He was on his back and she was directly on top of him facing him.

Thinking quickly he gently rolled on top of her, effectively pinning her onto the cold stone floor with his body.

They were both breathing hard, staring into each others eyes'

She turned her face to the side breaking their gaze, closing her eyes tightly.

"Lily" She heard him whisper brokenly. "Lily" he called again. "Please, please just tell me the truth"

Intrigued by his sudden change of tone and his plea, she slowly brought her gaze back to his, and the way he was looking at her made her heart clench painfully.

He looked devastated, heartbroken, hanging on only to a small thread of hope that she hadn't betrayed him, like a man on trial awaiting his verdict.

They were so close their noses were grazing slightly and their breath was intermingling, and then she realized just how hard this must all be for him.

His pain was internal but severe and she realized that his fear of losing her to somebody else was not something that had manifested itself into his mind today, but was perhaps a constant insecurity of his.

To see her with Severus must have pushed him over the edge, bringing his insecurities to the front. The fact that she lied must have just further fuelled his suspicion and anger.

At that moment, all Lily wanted to do was to erase that insecurity completely from his mind, prove to him that she was all his.

He mistook her quiet analysis of him, as refusal to tell him the truth, and he made a movement, to get off of her.

However, she quickly wrapped her legs around his waist, and brought her arms around his neck.

"James" she whispered bringing her face close to his so that when she spoke her lips would brush his

"I swear to you, I swear on everything I hold dear in my life…that I have _never_" She lightly kissed him "_Ever"_ she kissed him again "In any way, shape or form" She kissed his jaw line "Have thought about, let alone actually been with anyone else" She dragged her mouth to his lips and licked at them "But…_you" _She finished sensuously, kissing him softly

He didn't respond.

She pulled back to look at him then.

His face was blank, and she was afraid he didn't' believe her.

That was until his face slowly broke out into the most marvellous grin she had ever seen on him.

He buried his face deep in her neck.

"Oh God Lil! You have no idea….no idea, how, _how_"

At a complete loss of words he planted his lips on her own, giving her the most mind-blowing kiss they had shared yet.

Full of passion, relief, desire and lust, his tongue meshed with hers as they grappled at each others' clothing. She ran her small hands under his quidditch shirt and over his hard chest, wrapping them around his back, clinging to him as if he were her life support.

He ran his hands up her sides, slowly sliding her shirt up, and she giggled at the contact her warm back made with the cold stone floor.

He made to roll them over so she would be on top of him but she stopped him with a hand on his shoulder

"No, don't,"

He gave her a puzzled look

Blushing slightly she answered his questioning gaze.

"I like the feel of you on top of me. I feel safe and warm and….loved" She whispered looking away, embarrassed.

He put his finger under her chin, slowly bringing her gaze back to his.

Smirking at her blushing gaze, he manoeuvred himself, so he was fully on top of her, covering her with his body from head to toe.

He unbuttoned her shirt, kissing her along her collarbone up to her neck. Everything about her drove him crazy, her smell, her body, the sounds she made, and the way she would push him away one minute and cling onto him the next.

She gasped in pain, and he partly lifted himself off her, concerned he'd hurt her in his enthusiasm.

She looked at him eyes half-closed, desire flooding them. She reached her arms out to him.

"James" She moaned. "Come back to me"

Her pleading, aroused moans were turning him on like nothing else.

He leant down towards her continuing with his ministrations until he realized why she'd moaned in pain. He had been gripping her arm and noticed a dark bruise forming on her fair skin, from when he'd viciously man-handled her earlier.

Feeling like a complete prick for his rough treatment of her, he pushed the shirt further down her arm and laid a string of soft kisses on her bruised skin, blowing on them, making her squirm and giggle.

He smiled at her, looking into her eyes.

"I'm sorry" he whispered lovingly

She smiled shyly back.

"I'm sorry too"

He was so overwhelmed by his feelings for her, he kissed with brutal force and she moaned in appreciation.

He couldn't control himself.

He slid his hand under her skirt up to her underwear, and then underneath them.

She moaned loudly further fuelling his urgent desire for her. He wanted to possess her, have her all to himself…forever.

She was panting and whispering his name over and over again, as he pushed his two fingers in and out of her repeatedly.

"Kiss me" She begged.

He obliged.

"Promise me" He uttered quietly against her swollen lips.

"Anything" She whispered in response, eyes closed in tightly in pleasure

"Promise me. No more lies"

"No more lies" She repeated in confirmation

"Promise me…no more sneaking around"

"No, no more sneaking around" She panted.

He pushed his fingers harder into her, causing her mouth to open in a silent scream.

"No more Snape" He requested, waiting for her to answer.

He slowed his fingers down, as she kept quiet, watching her. Her eyes were still closed, brows were now creased in confusion and discomfort.

"Lily" He probed. "No more meeting up with Snape" he demanded

"James" she panted "Nhhh"

He completely pulled away from her then. Getting to his feet quickly.

She instantly felt cold all over and craved his body warmth. Sitting up she looked at his disbelieving face.

"Lily, I asked you a question" He said staring down at her. "You're not going to see Snape again right!?

She got to her feet, buttoning up her shirt, and straightening her skirt.

"Answer me!" He demanded.

She never found him more intimidating, standing there with his tousled hair, and swollen lips which were now pulled into a tight frown.

She prayed for courage and for his understanding before she spoke quietly.

"He's my friend James"

James was outraged

"A friend!? You still call him that after he called you a mudblood in fifth year!?" He demanded

She winced at the memory. Promising herself that she'd remain calm through this.

"I've made my peace with it James"

He scoffed, running a hand through his hair agitatedly.

"If I can forgive him, why can't you?" She pleaded.

"Because I see him for the slimy, manipulative snake that he is Lily!" He harshly exclaimed, furious beyond belief

"I can't believe, I can't FUCKING BELIEVE-" He kicked a chair over, making her step back in fear "That after this whole ordeal you'd still insist on seeing that prick! Do I mean FUCK ALL TO YOU LILY!"

"I thought it wouldn't matter anymore" She cried out desperately, running towards him, grabbing onto his robes.

"You know that he and I are just friends so why does it bother you so much!?" She shook him, trying to make him see sense.

He glared at her fiercely.

"I can't stand him! I hate how he can string you along like you're the best of friends and then run off to his death eater comrades plotting how to bring down your kind. He's a coward Lily, and I can't believe you're that blind that you don't see it. I won't stand here while that git tries to get the best of both worlds at your expense. I won't!"

Lily narrowed her eyes at him sensing he was trying to get another message across to her from his rant.

"What…what are you saying James?" She asked, fear evident in her voice.

He gaze softened slightly, and he got that desperate look in his eyes again, like she was going to leave him.

He appeared to be debating on whether he should say what was on his mind, and then with resolution, he looked at her dead in the eye, expression serious and uttered those words that shattered her.

"Him or me Lily"

She let go of him and stumbled back as if he pushed her, staring at him with shock.

"Him or me? It's a simple question Lily"

Tears gathered instantly in her eyes. She couldn't believe he would ask this of her.

"Why so silent Lily? Is a choice between me and him really that difficult for you? Is that why you're crying right now?" He spoke as if he wasn't affected either way, but Lily could tell he was completely on edge right now.

She spoke quietly, tears falling down her face.

"No, the decision isn't difficult James, and you know that I'd always choose you over anyone, but what hurts me is the fact that, that…" She took a deep breath

"That you'd put me in a position where I'd have to choose. You'd make me lose someone that despite what you think of him has been a very good friend to me. My first friend, even before Hogwarts…before you" She choked out.

"He'll only end up breaking your heart" James whispered.

"Funny" She muttered, without a hint of humour in her voice.

"He says the exact same thing about you…and ironically you're the one who is breaking my heart James" She said, looking at him sadly.

He walked over to her quickly, holding her face tenderly in his hands, thumbing away her tears.

"Then be with me Lily!" He whispered desperately "All we need is each other" He kissed her tenderly, pouring all his passion for her into that one kiss.

She kissed him back, still teary eyed.

"I don't want to lose you James!" She declared against his lips, gripping his robes tightly.

"Not over this…but...but I can't abandon a friend on your say-so James, it's not fair to anyone" She finished brokenly but with conviction.

He pulled back from her roughly, looking at her as if she'd just pulled his heart out of his chest, shaking his head from side to side as if he couldn't believe what was happening.

He walked to the dusty glass cabinet, hands in his hair, agitated as hell muttering to himself.

Lily swore she saw tears in his eyes, or maybe it was the trick of the light.

"no, no, no, NO!" He shouted slamming his fist into the glass, smashing right through it.

Lily screamed from the impact, noticing his knuckles had started to bleed with tiny shards of glass stuck in them. She made to run towards him but his words stopped her.

"NO DON'T!" She stopped, letting out a sob. "Just…don't" He whispered, hurt facing away from her.

"James please" She pleaded with him one last time.

"Will you leave him?" he asked still facing away from her, letting his hand bleed against the wall he was resting it against.

She spoke, sealing her fate.

"I….I c-can't" She stuttered looking down.

The room was silent for a while, until he spoke, quickly moving towards the door, wanting to get out of the suffocating classroom.

"Well then I guess you've made your choice" He said with a bitter hard voice.

He unlocked the door with his wand and then flung it open, causing it to rebound harshly against the cold stone wall.

He left and she was frozen to the spot, rooted to the ground, wondering if the past hour and a half really happened.

All she knew was that she was still standing there frozen for god knew how long, maybe hours, until Marlene found her, wrapping a comforting arm around her shoulders, steering her out of the classroom and up to the girls dormitory, all the while muttering words of comfort.

Lily didn't speak a word, not even when Marlene brushed her hair, helped her out of her uniform, into her pyjamas, and tucked her into her bed.

Only in the dead of night when she was sure all her room mates were asleep, did she allow herself to cry.

**To be continued**

**Please Review! I would like to know your thoughts and opinions, otherwise there's no point in me posting these chapters.**

**More reviews = more motivation to update.**

**J**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**(Part 2)**

He was sitting alone in the empty common room on the couch, feet propped up on the table, repeatedly tossing that small red ball on to the floor, where it would rebound off the wall he was facing and zoom straight back into his open palm.

Again he repeated the motion, mentally keeping count. '242……243……244…..245'

His now bandaged hand, courtesy of Remus, was resting on his firm bare torso, occasionally scratching at the fine thin vertical line of black hair that disappeared down the front of his waist-clad sweat pants.

3am on a Sunday morning meant that everyone else was dead to the world, happily lost in dreams and fantasy, cocooned in their beds alone, or with their significant others.

'266…..267……268'

He got that tingling sensation down the back of his neck that people often got when they were being watched, and didn't notice her standing underneath the girls' staircase until he cocked his head slightly to the left for a fraction of a second.

He saw her observing him with a stoic angry expression on her face, before swiftly dismissing her, going back to facing the wall, resuming his game.

Not one for being ignored, she pushed her long straight hair over her shoulder before promptly going over to stand by him, trying to get his attention, which he wouldn't give.

She stood there with her arms folded across her night shirt, impatiently tapping her foot.

He seemed unperturbed and she realized he was going to ignore her if she didn't take matters into her own hands.

She watched him toss the ball onto the floor and she quickly grabbed it with both hands before it could rebound off the wall, throwing it to the other side of the common room.

James sighed, so much for peace and quiet he thought.

He regarded the girl in front of him with cool nonchalance.

"Can I help you McKinnon?"

"You have to be biggest prick on earth" She stated as if it were a fact of life.

James sneered "Didn't your mother ever tell you that flattery will get you no where?"

"Didn't your mother ever tell you that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit Potter?" She stated coolly.

"Well it may be the lowest form of wit, but it's definitely the funniest" He retorted.

She huffed in annoyance.

James internally sighed. Winding McKinnon up so was so easy, it was boring.

"Look McKinnon, can you just quickly get your hissy fit over and done with, I have a ball and a wall I need to get back to" He stated, leaning back against the couch yawning.

She had enough, she stalked over to him, looming over his frame.

"Look Potter, I don't care what weird issues you have going on with you right now what you did to Lily was unacceptable. I always said that all she does for you is give and give and give and you just take it all so selfishl-"

He shot up from his seat then, glaring at her so fiercely that it shook her up slightly.

He stepped right up to her, warning her.

"You know nothing about mine and Lily's relationship, so butt out McKinnon! It has nothing to do with you"

She glared right back,

"It has everything to do with me when I'm the one who has to listen to her cry herself to sleep!" She exclaimed

A spasm of pain crossed his face, but disappeared just as quickly as it came.

"Well I don't know what she's so upset about, she made the choice for herself"

"Oh don't spew that bullshit with me Potter, you know just as much as everyone else how much she needs you!" She said, raising her voice.

"I need her too!" He all but shouted. He ran his good hand through his hair before falling back onto the couch, stressed.

"I-I needed her too and she chose _him"_

She was taken aback by his fervour and pain. She wasn't used to seeing _the_ James Potter this vulnerable. Not cool, invincible, carefree James.

No, nothing ever got to him, so seeing him like this, so distraught and upset and bitter, made Marlene's heart clench a little.

She sat down next to him in silence on the other side of the couch. The silence was awkward for her. She slowly looked at him and saw that he was in lost in his own world, a world of painful memories and hurt, judging by the look on his face. He probably forgot she was even there.

She had never really liked him, and now that she thought about it, she didn't really know why. Lily had previously detested him and she supposed it would be playing the part of the loyal friend to share her sentiments, and contribute to their regular 'Why James is a twat' discussions.

If she was honest with herself, when she watched him with his marauder friends she thought that he seemed like a rather fun person to be around. He was always so spirited and lively, being the centre of attention, the centre of every joke.

He was attractive no doubt, gorgeous even and she'd be lying if she said that she hadn't harboured a small crush on him in first year, but that was soon pushed to the side after he started asking Lily out, which in turn prompted her to hate his guts, and the rest as they say is history.

Looking back now, she doesn't know what exactly made her say what she'd said next. Maybe it was that delirious state that one became accustomed to when they suffered a lack of sleep, prompting them to speak their thoughts aloud without any thought given to the consequences.

"I erm…I wouldn't have chosen him" She supplied quietly, her heart beating a mile a minute.

He snapped out of his reverie facing her, a confused expression adorning his sharp features, a crease on his brow, a crease that she wanted to smooth with her fingers.

That thought alone scared her beyond belief.

"What?" He asked

She turned so her body was facing his from across the couch. There was no turning back at this stage.

"I…" her voice was dry. She cleared it before speaking again.

"I was just saying that….I wouldn't have chosen him" He narrowed his eyes at her, making her more nervous.

She continued.

"You know….if…if I had been in Lily's position….with you, then it would have been you, not Snape" She looked down embarrassed.

"You. Over anyone else" She finished quietly

She didn't dare look up to see his reaction.

After a while, she felt him slowly slide across the couch, so their knees were barely touching.

She looked up at him then. His face was so close that she could have counted every eye lash framing his deep chocolaty eyes, if she wanted to.

"You'd really pick me over anyone" He asked with slow deliberation

Her mind was blank. She couldn't focus on anything but the man in front her, who was now looking at her curiously and with another emotion that she couldn't identify.

Her thoughts were far from reality. Far from her best friend who was most likely still crying upstairs. All she could focus on was how James' face was slowly inching closer to hers, slowly tilting.

She closed her eyes in anticipation, feeling the warmth from his face hits hers, parting her lips slowly….waiting for the inevitable, her first kiss with James. Any second now...

"Go to hell McKinnon"

She opened her eyes in shock, and saw his face was still close to hers, now adorning a look of pure loathing and distaste.

She realized now, he had tricked her. Probably just to see how far she would go, to see how much of an awful person, a terrible friend she really was.

All she could think, was that no matter how much he hated her or was disappointed in her, it was nothing compared to how much she detested herself right now.

She couldn't believe how close she came to betraying her best friend, her sister, especially now that she was hurting so deeply.

She really was a bitch, undeserving of Lily's friendship.

James stood up glaring down at her.

"I always knew you were a shallow bitch McKinnon, but even I had thought you couldn't stoop _this low" _He hissed.

His cruel words steered her into action, making her think quick on her feet.

She stood meeting his gaze squarely.

"Oh don't flatter yourself Potter! I was just seeing how low _you_ would stoop in hurting Lily, and believe me the moment you even touched my lips, I would have shot upstairs telling her, how much of a….much of a…"

She struggled to think clearly and James cut in scathingly.

"Cheater, liar, bastard, pervert, _whore_……any of those suit you McKinnon!?"

She glared at him and he matched her with his cool expression,

"Delude yourself if you must, but remember this, tonight you proved just what level of _scum_ you really are. Get out of here" James spat at her.

She stood there shaking with fury, embarrassment and shame. Turning on her heel she made to head towards the staircase but before she could reach the first step, she saw Lily slowly coming down the steps.

She looked truly awful, her eyes were red-rimmed, her hair was a mess and she looked tired as hell.

"I heard yelling" She spoke softly to Marlene.

She came down the final step and froze as she saw James, who replicated her reaction perfectly.

They stood there facing each other in shock, not having at least mentally prepared themselves for seeing each other so soon after their fight.

Lily looked down and started fiddling with the hem of the Chudley Cannons t-shirt

she was wearing, _his _Chudley Cannons t-shirt.

Marlene briefly wondered when she'd changed from the standard blue satin pyjamas she helped her get into earlier.

James rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Remembering how she'd stolen his favourite t-shirt as compensation for him stealing her favourite (and his favourite) purple lacy knickers.

He remembered how mortified she'd been, when he'd purposely let it hang out his back pocket on one of their Hogsmeade dates.

Marlene broke the silence but the tension was still thick in the air.

"It was nothing Lily, Potter and I were just having a….talk, nothing to stress about" She said glancing worriedly at James.

Neither of them seemed to have heard her.

Lily had her gaze fixed sadly on James and he too, was once again, mirroring her completely.

"How…how's your hand feeling?" She asked him softly.

He stared at her entranced, not shifting his gaze.

"Still hurting…" He replied, just as soft.

Marlene wondered if he actually was talking about his hand.

"I know the feeling" Lily replied in a hushed, hurt tone.

They continued their staring match

"Lily…lets, lets...go to bed, you need sleep, we all do" She gently pulled her towards the staircase by her arm.

She let Marlene pull her back but still kept her gaze firmly on James.

Even when she reached the dorm, she was still dazed and needless to say she couldn't sleep for the rest of the night.

Unlike Lily, James didn't even attempt to sleep, but instead was now upright, stance rigid, furiously beating that red ball against the wall, like he was earlier, counting out loud.

"2199!…..2200!…..2201!" _'I know the feeling' _"2202!…..2203!…..2204!_" 'James…..Come back to me' "_2205!" He shouted, trying to block her voice from his mind "2206…..2207…..2208"

On Monday morning in class, she could feel the heat from his gaze on the back of her head, sending weird sensations throughout her body. She didn't dare look back to confirm her suspicions.

The last time she had looked at him, really _looked _at him had been the night before last, in the common room with Marlene at that ungodly hour.

He had looked tired, bitter and so utterly hurt by seeing her that it had taken the breath right out of her. She had decided that if looking at her, brought him that much pain, then from now on she would look at him as little as possible.

That was before she realized just how apparent his presence always was. When James Potter entered a room, everyone would know. Trying to ignore him was as futile as ignoring a glorious waterfall in a scorching hot desert.

The warm classroom they were sitting in was already so small in size that the desks were cramped tightly together arranged in sets of two.

James was sitting directly behind her next to Sirius. He couldn't have been more than a few feet back. When the classroom was quiet she could hear his breathing, and hear his clothes rustle as he shifted impatiently in his seat. She could hear him when he tapped his foot impatiently, remembering how he used to hook his foot around the leg of her chair and drag it back towards himself, so he could play with her hair.

'That was _then_ and this was _now', _she thought sadly.

Professor Rathbone instructed them to start their work in pairs on calculating the Advanced Runes, instructing them to select the appropriate equipment in doing so. He placed the instruments onto a large table at the back of the classroom.

The class was now bustling with noise through the chattering of all the students and Lily distinctly heard James laugh out loud at something Sirius had said.

His laugh carried across the classroom and was seemingly carefree, but to Lily and Lily alone, it was _fake_.

'Typical' she had thought to herself.

Knowing James for as long as she had, she knew that whenever he was hurt or upset, especially by something she had done, he would resort to overcompensating.

He would laugh more than usual, play more pranks, flirt openly, attempting to display to the world how happy he was, to prove how 'unaffected' he was, just as he was doing now.

Alternatively, she would withdraw into herself, making little conversation with friends and peers and surround herself with an aura of quiet sadness. This wasn't something she did to prove a point but was rather something that came naturally.

She would openly allow herself to feel what she was feeling, instead of pre-occupying herself to maintain a visage for the sake of upholding her reputation. She didn't really have a reputation to uphold, she figured and now looking at James with his fake smile, she was glad she didn't have that burden.

"Can you go grab the Quadrant Compass Lily?" Her partner, Dorcas Meadows asked.

Lily nodded and squeezed past James' table careful not to make eye contact with him.

After locating the Quadrant Compass, she was walking back to her seat but had to squeeze past James, as he headed to the table of instruments, down the narrow aisle. She felt his gaze piercing her but firmly kept her eyes on his chest, noticing how _white_ his shirt was, as they slowly brushed past each other.

She was glad to make it back to her desk and this time made sure Dorcas would fetch the instruments.

"Hey James, are you done with Eichter Scale?"

Lily would recognise the sultry flirtatious voice of Jessica Cattrell anywhere.

"Well that depends..." She heard James laughingly reply

"But Jamie" She heard Jessica croon. "I _need_ it"

"I'll tell you what you need" James uttered with a hint of an innuendo in his voice.

She heard Sirius' bark like laugher.

"How about a kiss then?" James asked.

Lily froze and she saw Dorcas look at her worriedly.

"Fine Potter, but on the cheek OK?" Jessica coyly demanded

"I make no promises" James replied.

Lily took a deep breath to calm herself as she distinctly heard the sound of a kiss. She didn't want to know where, and it may have been only a brief, small peck, but the damage was done.

It was only by force of will, she acted unaffected by it all and continued with her calculations and measurements.

The rest of the class dragged by slowly, and she was relieved when it was time for Dinner, not because she was particularly hungry, but because she needed to get back to the dorms, and fast!

Dorcas was albeit reluctant to let her go insisting that she needed food, and only let her leave on the pretence that she'd bring food up from the great hall later.

Lily tiredly made her way up to the thankfully empty dorm room and promptly fell flat on her bed, without changing. Checking one more time to make sure the dorm was infact empty, she buried her face in her pillows, gripped the edges so hard that her knuckles turned white and then screamed, before she burst out crying.

Dorcas made her way angrily to the great hall.

'The absolute nerve of that James Potter' she thought to herself. A day hadn't even gone by since the incident with Lily and he had the gall to prance around like he couldn't give a crap!

Lily, bless her, had tried to remain unfazed by his actions but it was clear by her rigid stance and downcast eyes, that he was getting to her.

She didn't want Lily to hide herself away, and had only let her go to back to the dorms because she looked as if she was at her breaking point.

Dorcas took her seat in the great hall and helped herself to mashed potatoes and piece of chicken breast with a health dollop of gravy poured over the top, whilst making small talk with Alice and her rather odd but quirky boyfriend Frank Longbottom.

She could see Sirius and James talking amongst themselves, whilst Sirius discreetly kept looking her way every once and awhile.

Having never been the subject of his attentions before, she was slightly unnerved and suspicious by the occurrence, especially when he casually made his way over to her side of the table and took a seat next to her, nodding to Frank in that way guys do when they acknowledge each other in greeting.

"Frank, Alice…Dorcas" He greeted them in turn, and she had the niggling suspicion that he had just remembered her name.

Alice gave him a polite smile back and asked him how classes were going so far. They conversed amicably for couple of minutes before Sirius casually turned his attention to Dorcas.

"So….Dorcas" She resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him.

"How are you finding classes?" He asked politely, clearly forcing interest.

"Fine, thanks" She responded dryly.

"How are you finding Runes? Today's calculations were a killer don't you think?"

She was positive he was lying. James and he breezed through all their classes, and today's was no different. This conversation was painful for him and she could see it written all over his face.

"It wasn't too bad, Lily and I seemed to manage fine, but we won't know for sure how we did until next les-

"Speaking of Lily…" He cut in abruptly, briefly glancing past her at James, further down the table

'Ah now we get to the real issue' She thought.

She looked behind and wasn't shocked to see James peering at them curiously, before quickly turning his attentions back to Peter sitting opposite him, as if he hadn't been staring at all.

"I see she isn't at Dinner today" He glanced around, as if _just_ noticing this.

"Didn't see much of her yesterday either. How is our Head Girl doing these days?" He asked, genuinely interested now.

'So he was here for information.' Dorcas thought to herself. Well she'd be damned if she told _him_ anything. What did he plan to do? Probably go back and gloat to James how miserable Lily was without him, further feeding his ego, and she wasn't going to let that happen, especially after James showed just how little he cared about Lily's feelings.

"Oh you know Lily" she supplied casually

"Just the usual, busy with her duties, and studies. Right now she's gone to meet Marlene so they can go over some last minute test questions before the Potions quiz on Wednesday"

Sirius looked at her suspiciously

"Really?" He reiterated slowly. "Nothing out of the ordinary then? No mention of James even?"

"Why would she mention James, as far as she's concerned he made his feelings perfectly clear that night they fought about Snape"

He remained quiet, trying to gauge whether she was telling the truth.

"Honestly Sirius, she's done with it" She stated, turning back to her plate of food, effectively ending the conversation.

"Right, well…see you around then" He swung his leg over the bench and made his way back to James, taking his seat and taking a large gulp of ice-cold Pumpkin Juice.

"Well!" James probed impatiently "How is she!?"

Sirius sighed, not having the heart to look at him as he delivered the news

"Give it up mate. She's done with it" He stated, repeating Meadows' words

James brow creased in confusion and he turned himself fully towards Sirius.

"What do you mean!?" He asked fear evident in his voice.

"She's over it Prongs, Meadows has all but spelled it out. Lily doesn't give a crap anymore, she's not moping, she' not depressed, she hasn't run off to cry in a corner. In fact right now she's off with Marlene, prepping over test questions, not a worry in the world apparently"

James was silent for a while.

"And Meadows said all of this to you?" James asked slightly angry.

Sirius shoved some mashed potatoes in his mouth.

"Well…yeah. That's what she basically meant"

Again, neither of them spoke for a short while.

"She's lying" James quietly declared.

Sirius looked up in question.

"She's lying!" He stated more loudly "Meadows is lying...she has to be!"

Sirius looked at him incredulously

"Oh come on Prongs! You were there in class today right! She didn't look at you once. Not even when you flirted with that Jessica bird, she couldn't give a crap. I reckon you pushed her too far with this one"

James looked sick.

"She's bluffing! Today in class she was bluffing! I know she was"

Sirius looked at him pityingly.

"James-" He started, but he was cut off

"No Padfoot! You don't know her like I do! She couldn't forget us, forget what we had that quick, it'd be impossible!" James nearly shouted.

Sirius didn't know what to say.

"I've had enough, I need to see her, I need to end this mess." He got up from his seat before being dragged back down by Sirius"

"For fucks sake Prongs it's been less than 48 hours and you're already going to crawl back to the girlfriend. Personally I think it's about time you stood up for yourself. She shouldn't have been with Snape in the first place. Isn't there a commandment for shit like that? Thou shalt not befriend thine enemy of thy boyfriend or something?" He cracked.

James didn't show even a ghost of a smile at his friend's joke.

"Look, at least give it a couple more days ok, for your prides' sake at least!"

"My pride is the reason why I'm even in this shit in the first place" James muttered moodily.

"Well it's either that or let her walk all over you for all eternity. Hell if it was up to Evans' she'd have you and Snape playing ring-around the bloody roses together, and braiding each others' hair, pussy-whipped as you are" He stated harshly

"Shut up Padfoot! You don't know how it is with me and her" James defensively retorted.

"This may not be the most appropriate time to mention it Prongs, but there's been a couple of times at night with Lily, when you've accidently left the silencing charm off your side of the room so believe me when I say I have a fair idea of how it is with you and her. In fact Remus and Peter have a good idea too" He smirked.

Peter sniggered.

James looked at him wide-eyed in shock and the slightest hint of embarrassment.

"You could have said something you prat!"

"What and ruin everyone's fun, not likely, James my boy"

"Whatever! It doesn't even matter anymore. We've got Defence against the Dark Arts in five minutes, if we leave now we can go the hospital wing and take Moony some of these chocolate brownies he obsesses over"

Whilst they made their way to the hospital wing, Marlene was putting a glamour charm on Lily to cover up any hints of tears and tiredness.

She was heartbroken to have seen Lily crying _again_, and felt that huge pang of guilt she had become accustomed to since that night in the common room.

"I don't want to see him again today Marlene, could you tell Professor Rafferty, I wasn't feeling to well?" Lily pleaded as Marlene finished the last touches of make up she was putting to her face.

Marlene sighed.

"You can't keep hiding away from him Lily, and you can't make a habit of skipping classes, not when Newts are coming up and especially since you're Head Girl"

Lily knew she was right. She wouldn't know what she'd have done if it wasn't for Marlene's support.

"Thank You" Lily whispered

"For what?" Marlene asked distractedly, brushing Lily's hair

"For everything Marls, for being with me now, even though I know I must be something akin to a wet blanket and…and for sticking up for me that night. I don't know exactly what you said to him, but I know that was why you were down there and…thank you…for being a good friend"

Marlene felt sick. Lily was looking at her with unquestionable trust and to think about what had nearly happened with James made her feel something akin to nausea. If James had been a prick, if he hadn't loved Lily as much as he did…then Lily wouldn't be sitting here right now talking to her like this.

"That's what friends are for Lil, now let's get going before we're late for Defence."

The classroom was even more packed out than the last and Lily and Marlene just about managed to find their seats, right at the front on the left side in front of a large mirror on the opposite wall, often used for enabling students to be able to see themselves when perfecting complicated wand movements.

Students were still bustling around as Lily took out her textbooks and quills. She turned to see Benjy Fenwick smile at her and take a seat directly behind her. She smiled back and turned to the front of the classroom, waiting for the Professor to arrive.

In the midst of the bustling, Lily heard slow long footsteps behind her. Looking into the mirror ahead, she saw James' reflection coming up towards her desk, and her heart caught in her throat at the thought that he was going to speak to her.

Instead he stopped next to Benjy's desk and bent down to ask or tell him something. Benjy seemed to be thinking it over, and then slowly shook his head, dismissing whatever James had said to him.

Again James got his attention and now motioned to something on the other side of the classroom.

Lily looked over and saw he had brought Benjy's attention to a pretty Ravenclaw girl by the name of Alethea Warburton who was currently sitting alone at the back of the classroom on the far right.

Benjy quickly ran a hand through the side of his hair, whilst getting out his seat, grabbing his school bag and promptly made his way over to Alethea.

James dropped his schoolbag onto the now empty table and sat down in the now vacant seat, directly behind Lily, _again_.

Lily's heart's thudded hard heart against her sternum as she made brief eye contact with James through the large mirror on the opposite wall, before quickly averting her eyes to her textbook.

She couldn't concentrate throughout the entire class, and as fate would have it her and James would look into the mirror at the exact same time and make eye contact before she would hastily break it.

He was silent and moody, not even bothering to respond to Sirius' funny remarks about how Professor Rafferty would stutter when he got excited about a specific topic.

She didn't understand him at times. What happened to his lax, not giving a fuck attitude back in Ancient Runes. He was always confusing her.

She felt him stretch his legs out to the front, and his feet lightly knocked into her crossed ones, which prompted her to shift her seat forward. She looked at the mirror and again saw him staring at her intently.

She couldn't wait till class ended and breathed a merciful sigh of relief, when the bell signalled the end. Marlene rushed out saying she would meet Lily in the common room later.

Lily packed her things away slowly, hoping James would leave before her, but to her dismay he appeared to be taking his time as well.

She stepped out past Marlene's desk out into the aisle and made to walk past him, determinedly not looking his way. Just as she passed his desk, she felt him grab her hand and pull her back, turning her to face him.

"James!" She breathed in shock.

He didn't respond, but carefully opened up her palm with his own by interlacing their fingers and looking into her eyes with such intensity, she couldn't look away.

Time stood still for an eternity, the gesture so familiar it nearly brought tears to her eyes and it felt like they were once again Lily and James, together as they should be, as fate intended.

She wished he would kiss her, take her up in his arms and never leave her again.

She waited in anticipation and hope, which was diminished as he suddenly let go of her hand and walked away from her, out the classroom and leaving her standing there baffled as to what just happened.

It was only when all her senses were back in check that she felt the small crumpled piece of parchment in her hand, the hand he had just held.

She was overcome with a sense of déjà vu, as she recalled the manner in which he slipped her the note, reminding her of how he had asked her to meet him by the statue of Barnabus the Barmy at the beginning of the year, when everything seemed so simple and easy. Before they were a couple, before all the complications, before they _fell in love_.

She waited till she was safely back in the dorm room, hidden behind the curtains of her bed, before she dared to read the note he had passed her, treating it with apprehension as if it was some top secret, illicit message.

Breathing deeply, she unravelled the scrap of parchment and the read the four words that had her heart beating erratically at the possible implications of the note.

_Midnight, Room of Requirement. _

_Yours _

_J_

She pondered on the possibilities of what he could want. Did he want to apologize, to reconcile, oh god, did he miss her just as much she did him and had finally realized that this stupid disagreement wasn't worth them being apart from one another?

Or maybe he was still adamant on her leaving Severus for him, and was just going to use this as a way of swaying her, arguing relentlessly with her again. She didn't think she could take any more arguments.

Worse still, maybe…just maybe this had nothing to do with their fight and he was just asking her to meet him for a whole other reason altogether. One that involved little or no words but plenty of heated touches, tangled sheets, sensual acts and sweaty taut bodies grinding roughly against one another.

That thought frightened her the most, not because she was afraid of sleeping with him but because she knew that if that was what he wanted from her, then he would most definitely get it.

She would fight him at first, but he would sway her, make her give in and have her scream his name, as he made come again and again and again, whether she willed it or not.

She was frightened because it had been less than two days and she was already craving him like how a drug-addict in rehab craves heroin. She was dying for his touch, for his kiss, and that euphoric feeling of ecstasy he was so talented at bringing out in her.

However much she needed him, she realized that if she had sex with him tonight, it would be that much more painful to try and let him go tomorrow morning, and revert back to how they were now.

'No' she concluded with a sinking feeling in her stomach, she couldn't risk being alone with him tonight, not in the vulnerable state she was in. He had the power to completely destroy her right now, so she had to tread carefully and that meant not meeting him at strange hours in secluded places.

After all why else would he ask her to meet him at the dead of night, in the room of requirement, the place where she had lost her virginity to him all those weeks ago.

She fell back onto her bed a shaky breath leaving her.

With final resolution she promised herself that no matter how tempted she became no matter how much it broke her heart or his, she wouldn't under no circumstances oblige his request. Not this time, not _ever_.

James looked at the clock which read fifteen minutes past 11. He smiled to himself, his first real smile since the incident. In less than an hour he'd be with his Lily.

Two days had been enough torture for him. He'd officially reached his breaking point and didn't give a shit what anyone said or thought. He had to be with Lily.

He'd apologize for being such an ass, and tell her that he didn't care who she befriended as long as he was the one she loved, as long as he was the one who had her heart. He hoped she'd forgive him, hell even if she didn't, he'd find some way to make it up to her, to prove to her he'd do anything for her.

Maybe it was desperation but he'd even offer to have a somewhat civil conversation with Snap- eugh…._Severus_. OK maybe not quite ready for a first name basis yet, but these things take time right?

He ran his hands through his hair, trying to get it to lie flat to no avail. Clearing lint off his shirt he looked at the beautiful white rose he conjured for Lily. It was her favourite flower and hopefully it'd help him get on her good side.

He looked at the clock again, which now read thirty-two minutes past eleven. Grinning to himself he left the boys dorm, and the common room not caring he'd be at least 20 minutes early for their meeting. The anticipation of seeing her would keep him from boredom.

Lily lay on her side silently. The dorm room was dark and silent with only the tell-tale snoring of Angela Prewitt on the bed next to hers. Lily's eyes were fixed on the clock on the table next to her, whilst she tortured herself with thoughts of James, imagining what he might be doing right now.

11:55 pm. 'He'd be anxiously waiting for her right now, probably casually leaning against the stone wall outside the room of requirement.' She sadly mused to herself

12:06 am. 'He'd be looking up and down the corridor, awaiting her arrival. Not knowing that she wasn't coming.' Lily tightly clutched his note in her right hand.

12:21 am. 'Right now he'd be tense, pacing the hall, looking up at every noise hoping it was her, checking his watch impatiently.' Her throat felt heavy and sore, as she tried to prevent her tears.

12:40 am. 'He'd be packing like an angry caged lion now, wondering why she was so late, wondering if something happened to her, checking the adjoining corridors' She felt tears well in her eyes

1:00 am. 'He'd definitely be very angry now, hating that she was so late, wondering whether she misread his note. He'd still refuse to believe that she could stand him up like this, ignore him this way, knowing that he was waiting for her.' Lily choked out a sob, promptly covering her mouth. '_Oh James'_

By half past one in the morning Lily was very much wide awake and panicked, not knowing what he could be doing right now. Did he realize that she wasn't coming? Did he go back to the dorms defeated? Or was he _still_ there, _still_ waiting, _still_ hoping she'd turn up?

At 2 o'clock, Lily shot up in bed, wanting to run to him, to find him and jump in his arms. She wanted to kiss him repeatedly and apologize again and again for making him wait so long. She wanted to tell him she still loved him _so much._

However fear prevented her from doing so, fear at the fact that she'd be too late, and he may hate her right now.

She fell back on to her bed, tears soaking her pillow and turned the clock away from her. She couldn't bear to look at it anymore, the clock that taunted her with every minute that passed by, reminding her that every one of those minutes that went by, was a minute lost with James.

She wondered what would have happened if she'd given into her heart and went to him. Would he be telling her he wanted her back? Would he force her to leave Severus? Would he be making love to her right now?

Her head hurt and she took some aspirin out of her side drawer to soothe the ache, but her mind wouldn't release her from thoughts of James.

It was only at the crack of dawn, as she watched the sun rise from the far window through the small gap in her curtains, that she fell into a short, uneasy sleep.

She felt like she had only closed her eyes for a minute before she was awoken by Alice singing loudly in the girls shower.

She ran her hand across her eyes and slowly sat up in her bed before pulling her curtain aside and blinking in the bright light. She saw Marlene look at her warily, and smile softly.

She tried to smile back but it came out as more of a grimace.

"I've been trying to keep quiet all morning, not wanting to wake you, and then that stupid ditz wakes the whole bloody tower up with her screeching" Marlene uttered, laughingly cocking her towards the bathroom.

Lily swung her legs over the bed, and stood up awkwardly.

Her whole body ached. Her back and neck felt stiff and her legs were like jelly.

"Lily are you OK? You don't look too well" Marlene looked at her with concern.

"I'm…I'm fine. What time is it?"

"Nine thirty"

"What! Oh my god I'm late for class!"

"Lily calm down, its Tuesday today. We have no classes till after Lunch" Marlene supplied quickly.

Lily let out a sigh of relief, and fell back on to her bed.

"Why the hell, are you all up so early then?" She yawned

Marlene turned away from her as she answered, choosing her words carefully,

"Well I'm going to meet Daniel Blakeley, and Alice…Alice is going to Quidditch practice to watch Frank.

Lily looked down quietly.

"I think I'm going to go back to sleep then." She said already getting resettled back on her bed.

"Not so fast Missy." Marlene came and stood next to her. "Aren't you meeting Snape in the library in half an hour or so?" She reminded Lily, checking her watch.

Lily shot up from her bed, her head spinning from the quick movement. She quickly got dressed and told Marlene she'd see her later as she made her way down to common room.

Just as she reached the last step, she saw Sirius and Peter descending the boys' staircase. They looked up at her and froze in shock.

She was bewildered as to why they were looking at her that way.

"What's wrong?" She asked apprehensively.

Sirius snapped out of his daze.

"What the hell are you doing here Evans!?"

"I live here" She answered slowly, wondering what he meant by that.

"I thought you were with James!"

Just hearing his name made her heart beat faster.

She swallowed. "Why would I be with James?" She asked quietly

He glanced at Peter worriedly who returned his look.

"He didn't come back last night Evans" Sirius stated, looking at her imploringly.

She felt her heart stop.

"What!?" She choked

"Are you deaf Evans!? He didn't come back last night! He left in the middle of the night and never returned. God knows what the fuck he was doing, but after 3 hours went by I naturally assumed it would be you." He stated rather crassly

Lily all but ran across the common room to Sirius and gripped his robes.

"Where is he Sirius!? Where is he!?"

He pried her hands off of him

"Calm the hell down!"

He opened his bag and took out a large piece of parchment, before pointing his wand to it. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good"

Lines appeared on the parchment and he scanned it vigorously before visibly sighing in relief.

"He's at the Quidditch pitch" He told her.

She took a deep breath of relief. Of course he'd be at the Quidditch pitch, practice was due to start.

For a second she thought that he would still be waiting at the room of requirement or worse, fuelled by his anger at her, went and did something rash.

She slowly made her way to the library and took a seat next to Severus, just barely acknowledging him. She took all her books out onto the table, and set to work.

She felt him staring at her. In fact he had kept his gaze on her since she'd arrived five minutes ago.

She looked up at him.

"What?" She asked.

He scanned her face slowly, not saying anything for a while. He noted her sad lifeless eyes and the bags beneath them. Her once fair, glowing skin was now looking pale and a bit gaunt. She looked unwell. A stark contrast to the bubbly vivacious beauty who sat with him two days ago.

'But of course, she had been with Potter then.' He thought bitterly, and now she wasn't and this was the result.

He had seen Potter earlier this morning coming from the opposite side of the castle which he thought was strange, but he too looked sickly, tired and appeared lost in his own world.

Not even when he had tried to provoke him with his taunt of "Lost? Potter?" He seemed to have not heard and continued past him, as if he wasn't there.

"Nothing" He replied, going back to his notes.

She didn't say anything, didn't even seem to be focusing on her work. Her quill was perched as if she was ready to write, but then a look of confusion would cross her features and she'd sit back with this lost look on her face.

He hated seeing her like this.

At first when he heard the news of their split, he internally rejoiced, then he saw her yesterday and she looked utterly miserable, which sent a pang through his heart. He then convinced himself that naturally she'd be heartbroken at first, but it'd get better, she would get over it, over _him_.

However, this woman who now sat in front of him was not someone who was getting better but someone who was getting progressively worse, someone who was on the verge of breaking down.

It was then that he realized that she needed James, truly _needed_ him. Forgetting was clearly not an option for her, for either of them. She could never love anyone like she loved James, not even him, not ever.

"You're a mess Lily" He whispered harshly.

She looked up in shock looking positively scandalized by his comment.

"I beg your pardon!" She replied.

"Look at you, you're a mess" He stated, disgustedly.

"I'm fine!" She exclaimed

"_You're a mess" _He repeated, emphasising each word

"Look at yourself, you're all dazed, you can't focus, you look utterly miserable as if you're going to cry any second, you look half dead-"

"Just shut up, shut up, shut up. Please just shut up" She choked out in a whisper, covering her eyes which were now leaking tears.

God she'd cried enough in the past two days to last her a lifetime. She couldn't

Sure, all of her friends and a few acquaintances had looked at her in pity and spoke words of sympathy, but no one had so harshly and blatantly described to her the wreck she'd become in James' absence from her life, further proving the theory that she couldn't cope without him.

He looked at her sadly and it took him all his willpower to say his next words. He focused on her depressed state for encouragement.

"What are you doing here Lily?" He asked softly

She dropped her hands from her eyes and looked at him, trying with all her might to hold her tears back. It broke his heart.

"Go find him Lily" He uttered not looking at her anymore

"Don't put yourself through this anymore. Go find him"

She didn't need telling twice. She shot up from her seat, and hugged him with all her might and gave him a quick kiss on his cheek, before she dashed out the library, leaving all her books behind.

She nearly collided with Alice in her hastiness.

"Whoa Lily, what's the rush!?" Alice exclaimed a hand to her chest.

"I need to find James"

"That idiot?" Frank asked

She looked to him and saw him in his Quidditch gear soaking wet from head to toe.

"He's still out on the Quidditch pitch. I swear he's gone bonkers that one has. It's raining cats and dogs and it's thundering and lightening with a vengeance out there. You'd have thought he'd be courteous enough to cancel practice but no, He made us do 100 laps on our broomsticks around the pitch"

He ran a hand through his wet trying to get rid of excess water, before continuing.

"Finnegan refused to after a while and stormed off after James damn near hexed him. He then went on a mad one telling us that we all might as well fuck off since we're all so afraid of a bit of rain and lightening"

"James is still out there!?" Lily asked panicked.

"Yep" Frank answered, before looking to Alice in excitement. "Maybe he'll catch pneumonia and die"

"Shhh" Alice laughed while hitting him on the arm.

Lily ran past them, ignoring their calls.

She ran outside and found that Frank hadn't been exaggerating one bit. The rain crashed down heavily onto the ground, and Lily distinctly heard the roar of thunder off in the distance.

She ran as fast as she could to the Quidditch pitch, not caring that she was getting drenched in the pouring rain.

She climbed up the nearest flight of stairs and found some shelter as she stood under the stands. She was still freezing however and realized that she had left her wand in the library in her school bag. Wrapping her arms tightly around herself to preserve the little body heat she had, she looked out into the sky around the pitch for James.

She squinted and saw him zooming around back and forth between the opposing goal posts, swerving, spinning and diving at dangerous speeds and intervals. He wasn't wearing his robes and must have been freezing up there.

Realizing that he wouldn't notice her hidden away in the stands, she went out onto the grass and stood at the edge of the pitch, shivering.

She saw him glance down and he significantly lowered the speed at which he was flying. She could tell he was looking at her, but the heavy rain meant that her vision was obscured and she couldn't make out his expression.

He dived down and came to a stop a few metres away from her. He got off the broom and stood there for a minute, as if making sure she was really there and that he wasn't just hallucinating.

He slowly made his way over and Lily's heart beat faster, as he came to stop right in front of her.

He white shirt was soaked right the way through, and his wet ebony bangs, looked even darker as they were pressed down on his forehead. There were droplets of rain all over his sharp features and one droplet in particular was now trailing around and down his tantalizing lips.

His eyes were guarded as he appraised her, but intense none the less.

"Why are you here?" He asked.

Of course she should have expected this question, but she hadn't.

"I....I'm not sure" She replied quietly, wrapping her arms tightly around herself.

She shivered and he noticed this.

"Go back inside" He commanded quietly "It's freezing and I know you really don't want to be here." He turned away slightly.

"I do!" She protested grabbing his arm and turning him back towards her

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Get back in the castle Evans." He shrugged out of her hold easily.

"Only if you come back with me" She tried

He stepped away from her "I'm staying out here. You leave now"

She wouldn't give in that easily.

"Then I'll wait till you're done" She stated stubbornly. "What's good enough for you is good enough for me"

He stepped right up to her looking her dead in the eye, trying to read her. After a silent battle of wills he relented.

"Have it your way Evans!" He put one leg over his broom and was about to take off before he heard her sneeze loudly.

He looked at her. Her teeth were chattering, she wasn't wearing a cloak and her uniform was soaking wet, but there was a fierce determination in her eyes which told him she wouldn't be leaving without him.

He got back off his broom angrily.

"For fucks sake Evans!" He shouted before grabbing her arm and dragging her to the changing rooms.

He pulled her inside, slammed the door and threw his broom roughly to the side.

He stormed over to one of the lockers and knocked it with the side of his fist causing it to fall open. He rummaged through it and pulled out a plain red t-shirt, which he promptly tossed to Lily.

"Here" he growled "Put that on" He turned away from her to give her some privacy.

Lily couldn't think why, but for some reason she was incredibly hurt by that gesture. Since when did he care about seeing her dress or un-dress.

She stood there silently, holding his t-shirt loosely and staring at the back of his head. His arms were folded, and his stance was stiff, rigid, and just completely tense and it was clear to her that he didn't want to be here with her. Not anywhere near her. He would rather be outside in that vicious downpour, cold and shivering than in the warmth with her.

'How ironic' she thought to herself. Yesterday, when he had reached out to her, she had hidden herself away, afraid at the thought of being alone with him, denying him.

And now here she was wanting nothing more than to be close to him again, and he was the one being aloof.

This was so typical of them. They're feelings for one another were so intense. They, loved, lusted, despised, and feared each other with equal passion and vigour.

Recently it seemed that their feelings were never on par. When he wanted her, she would push him away. When she needed him to care, he would be aloof.

They loved each other so much, why couldn't they make this work right. Why did one or both of them always end up so hurt at the end.

She realized that if they continued to play these games, they would push each other too far, to the point of hatred.

Was that what had happened? Did he now hate her? Had she let him down one too many times? That thought frightened her more than anything else.

Looking at the way he was acting towards her, that possibly didn't seem at all unlikely.

"Are you done?" He asked, harshly, turning to look over his shoulder.

He saw that she was still standing in those soaking wet clothes, holding his t-shirt limply at her side, looking at him with those unhappy large green eyes. The droplets of rain on her face created the illusion that she was crying.

He felt a sharp pang go through his heart.

God! He hated this! He hated that he still cared for her, still felt something impenetrable and deep for her. This morning he had cursed her so much, wishing her misery and pain beyond comprehension. Hoping she felt just as hurt as he did.

Looking at her now, it seemed his wish came true, and curse it, all he wanted to do was comfort her.

Never again, he thought to himself, and with that thought he stormed over to her, and ripped her robes off her shoulders, and pulled her shirt apart viciously, not allowing his eyes to linger on her body.

However he couldn't ignore how her skin felt as his knuckles brushed against her waist when he pulled his t-shirt over her head, and down past her midriff.

To his horror he found he couldn't tear his hands away from her skin, as he held the t-shirt down over her stomach.

It was only when he felt her cover his hands with her own as if to hold them in place against her skin, that he pulled back with a snap and looked at her with malice.

"I'm going back out on to pitch" He bit out through his teeth. "If you have any sense you'll go back to the castle"

He grabbed his broom and made towards the exit of the changing rooms.

Her breath caught in her throat, and she knew she couldn't let him go like this.

Thinking quick, she ran after him before he could leave, and threw her arms around his waist, making him stop in his tracks. She pressed one side of her face to his back and held him tighter as he made to loosen her grip.

"Don't hate me James!" She begged. "Please don't hate me"

She felt him take a shaky breath. "Let go of me" He demanded

"No" She replied

"Now Lily!" He said louder. Nearly shouting

"No James!" She said, matching his tone.

In quick succession, he pulled her arms from his waist, swivelled around to meet her face to face, grabbed her arms and pushed her back towards the lockers.

Her back met the lockers harshly and he stood an arm's length away from her, still keeping hold of her shoulders to prevent her touching him or getting any closer to him.

"What the hell are you playing at!?" He exclaimed. "Tell me Lily, what part of this sick Cat and Mouse game we've got going on, is this?"

"This isn't a game James!" She tried.

He narrowed his eyes at her then. "Not a game?" He asked with vindictiveness.

He stalked closer to her letting go of her arms. He made her look at him as he slid his hands under her t-shirt.

"Feels like a game to me Lily" He said harshly. I needed you last night, you never showed up, you need me now, so it's my turn to play the tease right?"

He went for her lips, but she quickly turned her head to the side, closing her eyes tightly.

He smiled bitterly. "What? not enjoying our game Lil?" He whispered, trailing his tongue over pulse point. There was nothing affectionate about his ministrations. It felt dirty to Lily,

"Just stop this James. I want to talk to _you_, not this horrible alter ego of yours that comes about when you're angry, hurt or upset.

He was astounded at first at how well she could read him, but when he really thought about, it wasn't all that surprising.

Tired and sick of it all, he slammed his fist angrily on the lockers, next to Lily's head and let his forehead fall forward on her other side. His lips were next to her ear and she could hear him breathing raggedly, as if in pain.

He was silent for awhile before she heard him speak so quietly and with so much hurt, her heart constricted.

"Why didn't you come?" He whispered brokenly.

She closed her eyes and a tear leaked out. He continued.

"I waited all night for you. I waited nine long hours" He choked out.

"At three am, I kind of gathered that you wouldn't be coming that night, but every time I tried to leave, a voice in my head kept taunting me that...what if you showed up as soon as I left? So I would keep promising myself, ten more minutes and if you didn't turn up I'd go, and before I knew it... it was daybreak."

Lily choked out a sob and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his neck.

"I'm so _so_ sorry James, I wanted to..to go to you, b-believe me, I did but I was so afraid of what might happen"

He pulled back and looked at her curiously, letting her elaborate.

"I..I didn't want to fight with you again, and another part of me thought you just wanted to, to have sex with me or something"

He frowned at her.

"Is that what you think of me Lily? That I'm just some sex crazed guy who would call you only for your body? Jesus Lily! I know I can get...get carried away with you sometimes and yes I do lust after you like crazy but don't forget I love you just as much!"

He looked pissed off and hurt that she could think that of him.

"I'm sorry James" She touched his face only to retract them quickly.

"James your face is burning up" He shrugged and kept his gaze on hers.

"James! Your burning up, you need to get out of these wet clothes"

She began unbuttoning his white shirt, revealing his hard, tanned smooth skin.

She'd forgotten how much she loved his body, the hard contours of his abs and smooth chest, with that fine line of hair which ran down it, past his midriff and further down.

She pulled his shirt open and lightly but sensuously ran her fingers over his neck and down his chest, tracing his six pack and up back up to his chest. She looked at him and his gaze was still fixed on hers, she saw him swallow audibly and watched entranced as his Adam's apple made that bobbing movement.

She didn't know what had come over her. Maybe it was because she had been away from him too long, maybe it was his admission of how much he loved her or the fact that he had waited all night for her.

All she knew was that right now she loved him and needed him, and it wasn't until she heard him sigh contentedly, that she realized she was trailing open mouthed kisses down his chest.

When her mouth reached the top of his midsection she fell onto her knees in front him kissing lower and lower, kissing around his navel.

He slowly threaded his hands through her hair and let out a low breathy moan, as she wrapped her arms around his lower back.

He pulled her up slowly by her arms and gently turned her around pressing her front, fully against the lockers.

Her head turned to the side as she felt him come up behind her and press himself against her back, kissing behind her ear and down her neck. He sucked on her pulse point, and she moaned in pleasure and brought her hand across his face to the side, up to his wet hair, tugging on it. He kissed her wrist lovingly.

"I want to tell you that...that" He tried again, unable to concentrate on his words but desperately wanting to get this off his chest.

"I want to tell you that...I don't care anymore about...about Snape" She opened her eyes, listening to him.

"I don't care who you're friends with as long as we're together Lily. As long as I come first for you. As you do for me" He whispered, kissing her ear.

She turned herself in his arms.

"You've always been first for me James" She whispered back "Didn't you know that?" She said, caressing his face with complete adoration.

He kissed her, unleashing all that pent up passion, practically bending her backwards at the force at which he was kissing her.

"Oh God James!" She breathed, under the onslaught of his mouth.

"It's been too long Lily" He moaned. "Too long"

He pulled his cloak and robes onto the floor from where they had been hanging on a peg. He gently laid her down on top of them then knelt down over her, covering her completely.

He fully removed his shirt and slid her t-shirt over head, kissing each part of her revealed skin.

She shimmied awkwardly out of her school skirt and was now lying clad in her underwear only.

She looked James over and blushed as she saw he was already fully unclothed.

"Eager aren't we" She teased slightly

He looked to her, giving her that lop-sided smile she had missed terribly.

He leant down and whispered in her ear

"Like I said before, it's been too long, and you have no, _absolutely no idea_ how much I've missed you Lily"

"I'm right here James" She told him "I'm here and I'm _yours_"

He took her then, so tenderly and all the pent up passion that had built in him in the past two day was released with full force.

She clung to him as she came the first time, crying out his name. She had whispered to him to promise that he would never ever leave her again, and he had promised her and much more.

Tears leaked silently out of her eyes at the range of emotions she was feeling and she realized that nothing, absolutely nothing in life would compare to how she was feeling right now. There was nothing in the world like this; there was nothing better than being in his arms, nothing better than holding him to her tightly.

And she swore that when he made her come that final time, it was as if there was nothing else in the world but them.

**End of Chapter 4**

**Please Review! Reviews motivate to write long chapters and update quicker. Tell me what you thought.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 **

"James. Who is Lily Evans?"

His throat went dry and his palms began to sweat. . He became acutely aware of the texture of the mahogany table upon which one his elbows rested, as well as the smell of the rich, antique, no doubt expensive furniture that adorned his home.

James slowly raised his eyes from his dinner plate to gaze at the speaker

It was like seeing himself in 25 years time James mused as he maintained solid eye contact with the man sitting at the opposite end of the family table.

The atmosphere was thick with tension, surrounded with a silence like the calm before a storm.

Charlus raised a questioning eyebrow at his son's silence.

"I believe I asked you a question James"

Sparing her son an apprehensive glance, his mother subtly leaned towards her husband speaking in hushed tones"

"I thought we were going to wait until after dinner to have this discussion. I don't think now is an appropriate time. He just arrived." She implored, resting her hand atop his.

Without removing his gaze from James, he addressed his wife.

"It's fine Dorea. Well James?"

Both his parents were looking at him now. His mother with worry and slight interest and his father with a face that betrayed no emotions, except that of an aura of calm sophistication.

"Lily…erm Evans, that is" He attempted to clear his throat "She's….she's a …well…"

"She's a fellow 7th year at Hogwarts" Cut in Sirius smoothly, saving his friend, the trouble. "Resident Head Girl too and a Gryffindor no doubt. Fabulous Girl" Sirius's voice betrayed nothing of the anxiety he felt inside for his best mate as soon as soon as the question was out. "Why'd you ask Mr P?"

Charlus shifted his eyes slightly to James' left to appraise the good-looking young man who he cared for as his own.

"Thank you Sirius but I believe I was speaking to my son"

He once again locked eyes with James who swallowed nervously before speaking.

"Well Sirius has covered it all." He spoke slowly. "There's nothing more I could tell you…er …she's the best in our year at Charms-"

"Spare me the trivial details James" His father cut in smoothly.

At James' puzzled expression he continued to speak.

"Current Head Girl at Hogwarts, spotless detention record for the past 3 years, 7 OWLS, has future plans to train as a Healer, Boggart takes form of the sight of her muggle sister spiting her"

"ENOUGH!" James interrupted. In his fury he had shot from his seated position and was now stood at the table breathing harshly.

"Mate" Sirius spoke quietly. His mother looked shocked at his outburst but his father remained impassive almost as if he expected that very reaction, which only served to fuel James' anger.

He couldn't believe the audacity of his father, and wasn't sure what had angered him more. Whether it was hearing him list casual facts about her as if she was some insignificant being whose thoughts were of no matter to their circles or the fact that he had used his ministry connections to find information on her that was none of his business in the first place.

His father continued to speak, finishing on a note that carried more complications than his tone would suggest, as if he were merely pointing out another fact.

"….and… a _muggleborn"_

James slowly resumed his seat and a thick heavy silence followed.

"Time for honesty son" Charlus leaned forward. "Now _who_ is Lily Evans?"

James glared. "I think you've managed to tackle that puzzle all by yourself"

"I want to hear it from you James. I need an absolute answer"

"You should have thought of that before you got your lackeys to snoop around for you" James spoke coldly.

"You left me with no choice!"

For the first time since the start of the conversation, Charlus displayed the smallest hint of a lack of composure as he stood rapidly from his seat, running a hand through his hair in agitation, a habit that had passed on to his son.

"When Callaghan Aubrey casually let slip that his son Bertram had mentioned how 'cliché' it was that Hogwarts Head boy and Head Girl, who I had previously heard is of Muggleborn heritage, are a couple I thought to myself…"

He began to pace as he spoke in a tone that could only be described as sarcastically naïve.

"I thought to myself, 'No surely this Bertram boy is mistaken, my son is impulsive and a rule-breaker but he isn't stupid and knows what is expected of him when it comes to family. Surely my son isn't naïve enough to think that a relationship between a pureblood and a muggleborn is possible or even viable in this day and age, where there is a blood war on the horizon! The boy I raised knows better than to make decisions that could put his life and the life and name of his family in jeopardy!"

He stopped his pacing and turned to look at his son, appraising him before speaking quietly.

"But apparently….. I was wrong"

James remained quiet. Charlus resumed his seat next to wife, appearing tired and wearisome. For the first time since James could remember, his father looked his age.

"Tell me I'm wrong son, tell me everything I've found on this matter are misconstrued facts"

James did love his parents, he truly did. Observing them now with their elegant, worn but familiar features and the anxiety on both their faces…James couldn't bare to break their hearts. Being an only child meant that James had got the best out of both of them. He was given so much to a point where he could be called spoilt but nothing had ever been too much, too grand for their wonderful son, their pride and joy.

James wearily looked to Sirius who was observing him with a nervous expression but James could instantly tell from that one single glance they shared that Sirius would back any story James decided to tell, be it the truth or a lie.

He sat up, almost preparing himself to tell them that lie they so desperately wanted to hear. He was going to tell them that Lily was just a fellow student, she meant nothing more to him than a casual aquaintaince. He could elaborate and suggest that perhaps it was just the fact that they used to argue so much and have now transitioned so quickly on to a semi-friendship that people have been gossiping as to why. But of course, it would just be down to the fact that they now have to work together on head duties.

Yes… he would temporarily alleviate his parents from that burden right now, and would figure something out later…but right now the fabricated lie would have to do.

So why did he feel so sick at the thought? Why did he feel like he was betraying himself and Lily? Why was it that as soon as he opened his mouth to speak images of Lily and her beautiful face and the sound of her light laughter filled his mind.

It was like a reminder. A reminder that Lily would always have to be a constant in his life. That he could never be without her. James would have it no other way. He realized that lying about their relationship now would only serve as a delay to what was inevitable.

He wished that it were as simple as a decision as to whose hearts he was willing to break. If were that simple James would break his own heart in order to save his parents' hearts. If he felt he could….he would leave Lily. Sure she would be devastated, cry, curse him to hell and back and he would be depressed for months on end, but they would get over it...Right?

"I'll ask you once more" His father spoke "Who is Lily….to _you_?

James didn't know how or when or at which point Lily had become so much a part of him that their separation would mean his end. When they first got together he knew what the rules were about his marrying a pureblood and was sure that his infatuation with the redhead was something that he just needed to get out of his system. But weeks went by, months went by and James found himself falling deeper and deeper to the point where he felt they weren't single entities anymore.

Looking at his parents, James realised that lying about his and Lily's relationship now would only serve as a delay to what was inevitable to occur.

James answered with quiet determination

"She is….._my_ _everything_"

His father looked at him in astonishment as if he had been sure he had been mistaken about the whole affair, that or either shocked that James had told the truth.

James now spoke with fierce deliberation

"She is the future mother of my children! She's the next lady of this house! And the only woman for me…_ever_

"Oh James" His mother uttered softly in shock and disappointment maybe?

"I haven't done anything wrong" James spoke with conviction.

"How can you say that!" His father burst out "You've practically signed our death warrants!"

"That's a tad dramatic don't you think?"

"You have no idea what you're up against James!" Charlus' conviction matched his son's. "At Hogwarts you're sheltered from the real world, the truth!"

"What is the truth?" Sirius spoke up hastily his full attention now focused upon his surrogate father

"Charlus don't…they're just children"

"The truth is that these pureblood extremists have grown in number and forming terrorist groups. There's one in particular…Death Eaters they call themselves. They travel the country spurting propaganda about retaining blood purity and eliminating those that disagree or stand in their way. And I'm not talking about those equality for muggleborns activists, I'm talking about anyone who has relations with muggles or muggleborns" He looked solely at James now. They're even targeting pureblood families"

James & Sirius were shocked into silence.

"Do you see now son? This is why you have to end your relationship with that Lily Evans"

James spoke through gritted teeth, trying to keep his composure. "That's not going to happen"

His mother sighed with sadness

"James why must you always make things difficult for yourself. You have every privilege, but you insist on every opportunity to hurt yourself. Do you have a death wish?"

"…..I love her, Mom…."

"Then save her from this James. By being with her you're putting her in more danger than you'll ever know Leave her son. It's the best you can do for her"

James had never thought of that. He had never thought his being with Lily could put her in danger in any way. After all, all he wanted was to protect her, to keep her safe, to keep that glowing smile on her face. But could he leave her? Could he live the rest of his life without her by her by his side. Probably not.

But this wasn't about him, it was about her and her safety. And James would do anything to keep Lily safe, even if it meant hurting himself in the process.

The room was silent for what felt like hours but in reality was mere seconds.

"……Okay"

Three pairs of eyes all shot to him.

"Prongs…." Sirius whispered

James swallowed hard before speaking and thought to himself that this is what a person must feel like right before the second they commit suicide.

"I'll do it, I'll leave her"

**Part 2**

He didn't know how he ended up outside her bedroom door at 2 in the morning. All he remembered was not being able to sleep, and then being overcome with this insane urge to just see her. He didn't even want to speak to her. He just wanted to look at her.

Apparating into her muggle neighbourhood, to outside her house, to outside her bedroom door probably violated all sorts of muggle laws about breaking and entering, but right now that didn't matter to James.

He slowly turned the handle of her bedroom door careful not to disturb her of her any of her sleeping family.

His eyes had already adjusted to the darkness, as he instantly noticed her dark silhouette fast asleep in her four poster bed.

He could see the rise and fall of her chest and admired how her red hair, which was thrown across her pillow, glistened in the silver moonlight.

She was lying on her back, facing the window to her left, eyes closed in slumber. Once leg was bent and her left arm was half hanging off the bed.

James crept closer unable to tear his eyes away

He stood next to her now, partly eclipsing the moon. She was like a porcelain angel, that he was afraid to touch in-case she would break or disappear.

Her long eyelashes barely skimmed the tip of her cheeks and her pink cupid's bow lips were slightly parted as she breathed lightly.

James watched her for an eternity, and the urge to just snatch her and run, far, far away had never been so powerful. He wanted to escape with her to a world where it would just be her and him and their passion for one another without the threat of death eaters and blood extremists.

"_God_, how he wanted her" He thought as he quietly fell to his knees next to her bed.

He barely brought his lips carefully to the wrist that hung off the bed, and skimmed all the way across her arm, following a path up to her shoulder, across her collarbone and up to her jawline and then finally to her ear where he quietly whispered to her.

"I love you Lily" He whispered knowing that she wouldn't have heard him in her unconscious state.

He didn't know how long he was there whispering sweet-nothings into her ear, hoping that somewhere in her subconscious he was getting through to her.

After a while, he stood up to leave and turned towards her bedroom door, before he felt something small, soft and warm grab his hand.

He looked over his shoulder quickly and his stomach somersaulted at the sight of her dark green eyes piercing his own.

She smiled softly as he swallowed nervously.

"Don't go." She uttered, ever so softly.

James was torn.

Lily brought his hand to her lips and placed a soft kiss upon the inside of his palm.

"Stay with me" She whispered

His resolve broke.

He swooped down on her and kissed her passionately, unleashing all of his frustrations and fear out on her. She welcomed all of him, moaning as their tongues glided against one another, running her hands through his jet black hair, viciously.

She pulled back and stared into his eyes, seeing fire burn in them.

She slowly brought her hands up to her button down shirt and managed to undo the first button before James stopped her.

"No…it's…ok. I just…I just want to lie with you"

Confused but content nevertheless Lily snuggled closer to his warm, hard body placing her head upon his chest, loving the feel of his heart beating.

They lay together in comfortable silence for a while before Lily spoke.

"What's wrong James?" She asked softly

"I…I…." Even he didn't know what he was trying to say

She slowly lifted her head from his chest trying to gaze at him through the darkness.

Unsatisfied, she leaned over him to reach her bedside lamp and switched it on, but pricked her finger painfully on one of the sharp metal edges.

"Ow" She whispered bringing her finger closer to inspect the digit. It was bleeding.

Just as she was about to bring it to her mouth to stem the flow, James grabbed her hand and inspected her bleeding finger as if fascinated by it.

Lily watched him with interest and confusion as he watched how it dripped off her finger and onto his own hand.

Just as she was about to question him he did the most unexpected thing and brought the tip of this thumb to the same sharp metal edge before swiftly swiping it across, pricking his thumb and causing it to bleed like Lily's own.

"James!" Lily whispered in alarm "What are you doing?"

He appeared to have not heard her, and instead examined his own bleeding digit with interest.

"Strange" he finally muttered.

"What?"

"It's just funny that's all" He spoke while still critically examining his thumb. "They don't want us to be together because our blood is different"

She didn't reply, not knowing where this was going. But then he looked to her and she saw a deep sadness and vulnerability in him that she had never seen before.

"But Lily…I don't see the difference"

She was quiet, mesmerized by him and worried for him at the same time.

"I don't see the difference Lily…I don't see the difference"

She shifted closer towards him entwining their hands before leaning on his shoulder in a comforting embrace.

"Neither do I James…neither do I"

A/N There it is people. Review and tell me what you think.

Commentary:

I think blood purity would have been a very big issue in the marauder era, with the rise of Voldemort and all. Also James was a pureblood from a prestigious family, so I'm sure it wasn't as easy for them to be together as some fics may suggest.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N This chapter is dedicated to Lili Evans Dotcom, whose fantastic story inspired me to update quicker! Also this chapter takes place before they got together and is the earliest chapter in this story so far

Obsession

James Potter is cocaine. That was the only way she can explain it. He is something that people are hesitant and afraid to approach at first and therefore make do with the stories that those who are adventurous enough to be in his circle tell. But if you became apart of that circle, and got close enough to know him, to taste him, the result would be addiction. Complete and utter addiction. His swagger, his crooked grin, his outrageous laugh down to his messy hair and lax attitude is something that one could never get enough of. Wherever Potter lead, people followed.

And just like cocaine, too much of James Potter is often destructive. Lily watches countless ex-girlfriends, suffer through sleepless nights, lower their grades, and hopelessly pine over the messy-haired marauder, developing unhealthy obsessions that remain steadfast long after the break-up. Potter himself, of course, remains as he always is. He is a drug. He is cocaine and Lily promised herself long ago, that she would never take a hit, no matter how tempting.

She knows he wants her. He wants her badly and he has made that clear to her for the past two years. Whether it be his loud and proud declarations in the great hall, of "Oi Evans! "Me, you, Hogsmeade this weekend. What say you?" to the quiet, deadly sincere declarations that got under her skin such as the one time he grabbed her hand as she exited the Charms classroom, stating quietly but sincerely "Be mine, Lily"

To be honest she preferred the public declarations. At least that way she could casually brush his remarks off her shoulder or retort with a snappy comeback. The other times however, often scared the living daylights out of her. The way in which he would find some way to touch her, be it the firm way in which he would grasp her hand or lightly skim her midriff with his fingertips…oh yes…those moments would stun her where she stood.

She simply couldn't handle him when he was like that, couldn't handle the way in which he would stare into her eyes unflinchingly, boldly claim how he felt about her, but worst of all she couldn't handle his absolute…_sincerity_

At least the other times she could convince herself that he was acting for attention or to illicit a laugh out of his friends or to simply embarrass her in front of their peers. The other times however, she had no excuse for him. He couldn't be sincere…could he?

No! James Potter could not be trusted. He was just trying to get under skin, she meant no more to him than a sport, a game at which he had to win for his ego's sake. After all, if he was as besotted with her as he claimed to be, then why fool around with other girls? _All _of those other girls.

She shudders at she recalls the memory of catching him one night after curfew on her prefect rounds last year. She was alone on the fourth floor, (Remus had taken the third floor to patrol) lost in her own world and was promptly brought back to reality at the sound of a distinctive male groan, followed swiftly by a coy feminine giggle.

She carefully looked around the deserted and gloomy corridor spotting a broom cupboard nearby. Sighing in exasperation she carefully made her way up to the door, pondering on how she could make this as painless as possible for all involved.

The voices now were very distinct and Lily could hear exactly what was being said.

She heard another low hiss and a male speak "Oh…oh _fuck_ that's feels _good"_

Another giggle from the girl followed by an "My, my aren't we eloquent today Mr Potter"

Lily froze on the spot. There was only one Potter in the whole school.

Gulping nervously, she grasped the door handle, palms now slightly sweaty, mentally preparing herself for what she would no doubt become witness to.

"Shut up. Don't speak" She heard him breathily say, on the brink of ecstasy.

This was it she thought, now or never. Taking a deep breath she pushed the door open, but still nothing could have prepared her for what she saw.

James' back was pressed up entirely against the right wall, head thrown back eyes firmly closed, gritting his teeth. His white button down shirt was entirely undone, and Lily could see a thin line of sweat starting from his neck disappear into the white collar of his shirt. His dark hair was more mussed than usual, sticking up at all angles in all directions.

The girl he was with, who Lily couldn't see too clearly was completely bare from the top, and was facing him, in front of him…_on her knees._

It truly was amazing what the human brain could decipher within a millisecond, because soon enough both of the occupants were staring at her in complete shock.

Lily recognised her then. It was Maple Rafferty, fellow Ravenclaw prefect.

"Ten points from Gryffindor and Ravenclaw for inappropriate behaviour and being out after curfew" Lily slammed the door shut then and stormed off, not waiting to even see if they'd stopped or even resumed what they were doing.

She still couldn't believe it. _Maple Rafferty_

Maple was sweet and friendly, pretty even, in a non-striking conventional sort of way and…_smart. _Maple was smart, headstrong and ambitious, she wanted to go to Medical School after Hogwarts and train to become a Healer. She wasn't the type of girl who was caught topless after hours in a broom closet with the resident bad boy performing fellatio of all things! Bloody hell.

And then there was James. Her heart stung a little. He truly was despicable, the way he spoke to her like that, telling her to shut up, while she…and the fact that she let him…God she didn't even want to think about it anymore!

Just as she entered the portrait hole into the empty Gryffindor common room, she heard rapid footsteps behind her.

"Evans! Er…Lily!"

"What is it Potter?" She spoke with clear irritation. He was the last person on earth she wanted to see at the moment.

He ran his hand through his hair apprehensively, standing a good 10 feet away from her.

"Look, about what you saw" He took a deep breath "It was…that is…I mean…it meant nothi-"

She cut him.

"Look Potter you don't need to justify yourself to me. I know what I saw so I have to take points away. I'm sorry but as a prefect I have to maintain th-

"This isn't about the points" He spoke with a definite edge to his voice, brows creased in confusion and the beginnings of anger on his face. He was staring directly at her. That unnerving look that put on her edge.

There was silence for a while, before she spoke quietly.

"Well if this isn't about points. Then I see no reason as to why we should prolong this conversation" She turned away from him towards the stairs leading up to the girls dormitory "I have had a long day so if you don't mind I'll be off to bed now Potter"

"What if I do mind _Lily"? _

For whatever reason she couldn't even begin to guess, he was angry.

"Goodnight _Potter" _

She spoke without even turning to look at him. She must have been on the fifth step before she felt a sharp tug on her right arm, swivelling her around quickly, so quickly that she would have tumbled to the floor if Potter hadn't had a firm grasp on her waist.

It had to have been the most awkward position in history. She was still half on the steps and half off, supporting herself by holding onto Potter's shoulders while he had his arms wrapped around her waist. Their faces were close, too close. She could see the multitude of browns, hazel and greens that were his eyes and this was the first time in history they had been in this close proximity to one another. It was almost intimate.

He was looking at her with such frightening intensity she could feel herself melting and drifting. Almost like she was high. He affecting her like a drug.

All too soon, the bastard leant into her and gently pressed his lips upon hers before she swiftly pushed him away from her and slapped him straight across his face.

"What the _fuck!_" He nearly shouted

"Exactly! What the fuck was that!" She screeched. "How dare you even think that you could…after I saw you…what possessed you…. God! This is why I hate you so much Potter"

He looked at her in absolute shock. "Oh that is just so classic of you Evans! You and your fucking mixed messages!"

Lily glared at him. "What the hell are you prattling on about Potter? What mixed messages?"

He sauntered up to her slowly, clearly wanting to intimidate but Lily met him head on, refusing to let him get to her. The fierce look in his eyes however sent something cold running down her spine.

"I see you looking at me Evans" She reeled back in shock from those words staring into his cruelly mocking face.

"Didn't expect that did you. I see you Evans. You stare at me, quite a bit actually don't you, when you think I'm not looking." His smirk got wider, "Oh but I'm looking alright. Always looking even when you're absolutely sure I'm not."

She stepped back trying to absorb his words. He'd noticed? Oh please _no_

"But you want to know what's even more hilarious Ev?" Another step back, and one-step forward from him.

He was almost whispering now "You can't see the look on your face, when I touch you, when I grab your hand or touch your shoulder or look deeply into those green eyes of yours. You want to know what that look is? what it means?"

She swore she couldn't breath.

"It's _wanton_ Lily. Absolute _wanton" _He touched her face, running his thumb across her cheekbone. His voice became quieter if possible. "And you have no idea, what that look of yours, does to me inside"

She pushed his hand off her face, stepping back quickly, her back hitting the stone cold wall.

"Shut up! You don't know anything. You're making this up. For once stop playing games. STOP LYING TO ME!"

Fire blazed in his eyes at her words, and then the anger came out.

"Lie to you? Lie to you!? Why would I FUCKING LIE LILY!"

He turned on his feel in frustration, pacing angrily, running a hand viciously through his hair.

"Do you think I _want_ to fancy you!? Do you think this was my choice or that I woke up one day and thought 'oh hey I think I'll start an obsession over Evans, that should be fun' I hate wanting you so bad, I _despise_ it even. You're not even the kind of girl I go for, you're not even the kind of girl I _like"_

That hurt. That hurt bad.

"I like the outgoing, adventurous, 'don't really give a fuck' promiscuous types. And what are you huh? Bookish, uptight, serious, a killjoy and a complete _prude"_

She wanted to beg to him to stop, to just _stop_ because she couldn't take any more of his hurtful words.

"Jessica Cattrell, Maple Rafferty, Emmeline Vance. They're supposed to be my type. The ones I could fall for. Not Lily bloody Evans. Not _you!"_

She was stunned beyond words. It had never occurred to her, not even once, that maybe James didn't want to fancy her. That he was a victim to his own feelings.

Willing the tears back she spoke, "Well if you don't want to fancy me, why don't you just leave me the hell ALONE! Stop asking me out. Stop bothering me and looking at me!"

He looked at her spoke and through gritted teeth. "I already told you…I _can't"_

"Well try harder then!" She burst out

"What the HELL do you think I've been doing! What do you think all those other girls are for! Hell, it was even starting to work until you started giving me ideas that maybe, just _maybe _you might like me back. Do you know how good it felt to know that there was a slight chance that somewhere you might have felt just one percent of what I feel for you."

"WELL I DON'T!" She was horrified to notice that she had choked out a sob following her outburst. She wanted her words to hurt him as his did hers.

"I don't feel anything more for you other than slight interest at times, and that's only when I'm bored to death in class. I NEVER have and NEVER will feel anything more than contempt for you Potter so from now on I'd appreciate it if you just left me the hell alone, and I promise to return the favour"

Silence.

"Why are you crying?" He calmly asked

"Because you're a complete prick Potter" She swiped at her eyes. How dare you say those things to me, like you know me, you don't know anything about me, so who are you to assume. You've never made any real sincere effort to get to know me as a person, apart from your stupid countless, meaningless date offers, and even that's just for show"

He looked at her devoid of any emotion, before he spoke quietly, breaking the heavy silence that fell between them.

"Hurts doesn't it…"

She looked up at him in disbelief.

"Hurts doesn't it Evans, when the one you want thinks so low of you…makes offensive assumptions about you…doesn't give you a damn chance to prove them wrong"

She didn't understand and James read the incomprehension on her face. He continued to speak.

"Bullying toe-rag? Arrogant conceited prat? Over-inflated ego?" Any of those ring a bell?"

She stood still in shock.

"It may hurt you Evans, but remember your feelings are miniscule in comparison to mine, so remember this. This hurts you…but it _kills_ me…every single fucking time it kills. You ought to remember that next time you start feeling sorry for yourself over this"

She thanked whatever deity was up there that gave her the power to speak then.

"As I said before, it's better if we just completely ignore each other from now on. Keep away from me and I'll keep away from you. Agreed?"

He looked pissed off, he looked like he wanted to argue and was about to but then surprised her when he responded with a "Fine by me Evans."

She had expected him to leave then but he made no move to go. Just stood there staring at her with such ferocity and intensity it made her numb on the inside.

Thinking quickly she spun on her heel and retreated to the girls dormitory for a restless sleep. Leaving him alone in the common room with his thoughts.

"Lily. Lily! LILY!" She was instantly snapped out of daydreams and promptly bought back to the present by none other than Marlene. "Back in La-la land again I see. Shit Lily I hope you've bought a yearly pass, since you spend so much time there these days"

Behind her Sirius snorted derisively "Jesus Mckinnon, that was your pathetic attempt at a joke? Stick to your day job love"

"Oh fuck you!" She snapped

"Back in business already I see" He retorted, arms casually folded behind his head as he tilted his chair back on its' hind legs.

Where's Remus? Marlene asked noticing his absence from Sirius's side.

He smiled sweetly at her "At the hospital wing, he was feeling a little under the weather. Not that it's any of your business." He sighed with boredom. "I wish Prongs took this class. Trust that idiot to pick Arithmancy over Ancient Runes.

"Why do you always call him Prongs?" Lily asked curiously

Sirius looked to her tilting his head to the side, appraising her slightly, before smirking widely. "Wouldn't _you_ like to know Evans" He crooned, waggling his eyebrows.

She turned back round in her seat, rolling her eyes.

Charms was the final class of the day, and she arrived early as usual along with Marlene and Dorcas.

Professor Flitwick strolled in when the classroom had filled up significantly but Lily couldn't help but notice that someone was absent. A certain messy-haired someone. Curse her for noticing! Well she didn't care. No, definitely didn't care. Not one little bit. Dammit!

Eventually he swaggered in, two minutes into the class, followed by a giggling Emmeline Vance. They both appeared to be shocked that the class was full, evidently not realising that they were late. Typical.

James spoke first "Sorry Professor"

Emmeline nodded to Flitwick in apology standing behind James. She then smiled coyly at James before taking a seat next to her best friend.

James sauntered over to Sirius and they shared identical mischievous grins as he tossed his bag onto the table.

Since that night in the common room three weeks ago, James made good on their agreement to ignore one another. Not once had he asked her out, not once had he spoken to her, not once had he looked at her, touched her.

Lily wasn't sure how she should feel. She supposed she should have felt relieved and free but she just felt sick and anxious, because no matter how much she wanted to believe it, no matter how hard she tried to convince herself it was done with…deep down she knew that it wasn't over. Far from it.

She had unknowingly taken a hit of the dangerous substance that was James Potter and she was addicted.

She harboured this secret addiction for the next three months, truly believing that he was over her and she nursed her pain quietly, but that feeling inside her that was telling her it wasn't over…not just yet…was a powerful as ever.

So she waited, and waited and waited for him to give any indication any signal. And just when she was going to give up hope, it was then that he had surreptitiously slipped that torn piece of parchment into her hand, requesting that she meet him by that statue of Barnabus the Barmy at 10:17.

Indeed…it was _far from over._

_A/N Please please review!!! It keeps me motivated to write and I love hearing from my readers._


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: This takes place after Chapter 5 and is the latest chapter in the story so far. _

_Recap: James is under pressure from his parents to break up with Lily due to her muggleborn lineage. He visits her late at night, during the Christmas Holidays with the intention of breaking up with her but is unable to do so. (As far as the reader knows..hint) This chapter takes place back in Hogwarts after the Christmas Holidays._

**Chapter 7**

Her head was thrown back in ecstasy. She gripped the red satin sheets below her, with one hand, her knuckles turning white from the powerful hold. Her other hand gripped his hair tightly as he did unspeakable things to her body. This coupled with harsh and uneven breathing from both people.

It had been a surprisingly hot afternoon spent in the Head boy's bedroom. An afternoon of heated touches, desperate kisses, lust-filled gazes, tangled limbs, sweaty and hot from exertion.

"I love you, I love you…_God I love you_!"

She couldn't reply to his declarations. Her brain had turned to absolute mush minutes earlier and she was incapable of forming a single thought let alone a coherent sentence. All she could focus on were the sensations she was undergoing, the sensations he was causing.

"James! I…oh" She panted.

He leaned up to her then, gently cupping her face, his thumb gently skimming her lower lip.

"Lily" He spoke softly, waiting till her breathing became more even.

A minute or two had passed in complete silence as he waited patiently for her to open her eyes, and when she did they were filled with a deep sadness and were swimming with tears.

"You can't keep doing this to me James" Her voice sounded broken, as if she was making every effort to not to let out a sob. "It's not fair"

He frowned deeply as he let his forehead rest against hers. Not yet. Please not yet. He wasn't ready to face the reality of the situation they were in. He wanted to bask in the aftermath of their activity, wanted to lock himself and her away from the rest of the world where they lived in their own paradise without death eaters, blood wars and interfering parents.

"Shhh. A few minutes more Lily," he pleaded.

"No!" Mustering all her strength, she pushed him off of her, prompting him to lie on his side of the bed, and sat up, pulling up the sheets to her neck. She felt horribly exposed all of a sudden, which was ridiculous considering he must know the entirety of her body like the back of his own hand.

"You have no right James!" She swung her legs over the side, preparing to gather her strewn clothes, preparing to leave "This is the last time, alright?"

He was suddenly filled with panic. He was losing her. Again.

He shot up off the bed as quick as lightening and stood in front her effectively blocking her way. She tried to side step him but he grabbed her arms, preventing her from doing so.

She stared into his hazel-green eyes. They were intense, desperate, mad, beautiful.

"I _need_ you" He gritted out through his teeth, barely repressed passion oozing out of his every pore. He looked like he was on the brink of insanity. A twisted combination of anger and desperation.

"Stop it" She harshly commanded. He roughly pulled her closer to him, so she now had to look up to meet his gaze.

"I can't live without you"

Now, she was angry, furious even. How dare he? He was the one who left her. Smashed her heart into tiny pieces, under the ridiculous guise of protecting her.

First he tried convincing her that he didn't love her anymore. That it was fun while it lasted but the spark had gone out of their relationship. She had slapped him then. Not for his cruel words but for implying that he thought that she was that stupid, had so little faith and was so out of touch with him that he believed she would fall for his horrible lie.

Well, he wasn't a nobleman and she certainly wasn't any damsel in distress who needed or even wanted protecting, let alone at the cost of losing him. God how she had cried, cried and cried and begged him.

"You…you…prick! How can you even say that to me, after you…after you…" She took a breath to try and calm herself. "Just let me go" She struggled against his unrelenting grip. "_Let me go!"_

He pushed her back onto his bed, falling on top of her, entwining her hands with his has he held them on each side of her head.

"I know alright!" He spoke with clear frustration "I know I'm scum for what I did, I know what I said and I know I have absolutely no right to touch you or even look at you anymore"

She looked away from him, biting her lip.

He cupped her face, bringing her gaze back to his "I can't stand being away from you. You have no idea how…how much…" Damn it. He couldn't find the right words and yet in his desperation he knew he had to make her understand.

"Listen to me. You know how I feel about you don't you?" She didn't move or speak.

"Don't you?" He pressed. She nodded slowly.

"Well then I stick by what I said Lily. The world is so…so fucked up right now, being with you will just make you a prime target, and I can't…I won't let that happen" Tears gathered in her eyes.

He continued to speak. "Even if it means condemning myself to a life of misery, a life without you" He uttered

"And what about me James, how am I supposed to go on without you!" She demanded. "I want to be with you and I don't care if the world hates me for it, wants to murder me for it" He winced, and made a move to get off her, but she quickly wrapped her arms around his neck bringing him closer.

"Just be with me James. Just please, _please_ stay with me" She pleaded with everything she had.

At his silence she leaned up to try and kiss him but he evaded her, gently pulling her arms away from him and slowly got up off the bed. She whimpered at the loss of contact, knowing she hadn't gotten through to him as she wanted.

"You'll move on" He whispered it so quietly but the words resonated through her head like a gong. "You have to…you'll…meet someone else with time…and…you'll move on" He repeated

It was killing him on the inside, the rage and jealousy that churned in his stomach at the thought of her being with another coupled with the desperation and need to keep her safe was sending him into complete turmoil.

Her. He had to do this for her. He internally willed himself to stay focused.

She sat up, incredibly hurt by his words. "Is that what you want?" She asked, unable to look away from his tense form. His chiselled features, smooth six-pack, and leaned toned arms that were crossed across his chest. A sure sign of him attempting to hide his true feelings from her.

He too, seemed unable to tear his eyes away from her. Her beautiful ivory shoulders, her delicate soft hands, the telltale flush across her neck and chest decorated with love-bites he'd given during the throes of pleasure. And then her eyes. Oh god her eyes. The most gorgeous-green he'd ever seen, that one feature of hers that made his heart stutter, especially when she looked at him as she was doing now.

"Is that what you want James?" She repeated since he didn't answer. Again, she found herself waiting for a response.

His expression became stoic then as he gazed down at her with something akin to defiance and maybe hurt. He couldn't answer that question. No fucking way in hell was he going to answer that!

She waited for what seemed like an eternity for him to speak, to respond. Hell, any indication whatsoever that no, he didn't want her to move on, to be with someone else, make love with someone else, build a future with someone else. To tell her that she belonged to him and no other, she was his and he hers for all eternity and that nothing, absolutely nothing, whether it be disapproving parents, blood extremists and even Voldemort, could tear them apart.

Throughout their relationship he had displayed this to both her and the world, both verbally and physically and she wished he'd do the same now. But no, instead he stood there refusing to allow her to get to him, to make him understand.

Tired, hurt and on the brink of an emotional melt-down, Lily tore her gaze away from his and slowly got up off the bed, straightening the sheets to distract herself from looking at him again.

"Fine" She spoke calmly. Too calmly. "Fine. If that's what you want then…fine"

She felt his gaze scorching her as she smoothed out his sheets, removing all traces that she'd been in his room in the first place.

"I'll move on. I'll find someone else" She didn't dare look at him as she spoke, slightly afraid of what she might see.

"I guess there's no harm in trying is there" She spoke so flippantly, it was as if she was discussing taking up a new hobby.

"I'll hold hands with him in Hogsmeade, maybe sneak a few kisses in a broom closet…" She spoke with deliberate intention and James knew this.

"Who knows…I may fall even more madly in love with him than I was with you"

That was intended to hurt, to make him lash out and yet…he remained quiet. Go on James, please say something, please stop me, prove to me you care.

She knew what she was doing was low, below the belt even. She was using jealousy as a means to crack him open, to make him see that there way no way he could be without her without driving himself insane in the process. It had only been two weeks since they arrived back at Hogwarts after the Christmas holidays, a weeks and six days since that dreadful night he broke things off with her in her own home.

And yet this was third time he had dragged her up into him room, fuelled with a frightening amount of passion, anger and desperation to be close to her, to have her again and again and again, whether she appeared to want it or not. Stolen moments.

He was dominant, aggressive and powerful in the way he made love to her, willing her to be submissive as he brought her to new realms of pleasure…and Merlin and Agrippa…Lily loved every single second of it.

It was a relief to know that he still desired her, wanted her, loved her, and that his decision to part ways with her was futile, but she was also heart-sick as just when he'd get her hopes up that he finally came to his senses, he'd dash them away just as promptly afterwards.

Well enough was enough, and as much as she loved him, she wasn't going to serve as an outlet for his frustrations any longer. So she was good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to be in a relationship with? What did that make her?

Realizing he wasn't going to take the bait, she quickly started to pull her under garments back on.

"Well if this is the end of us James, then you have to start leaving me the hell alone!...Don't you ever touch me again. _I mean it!"_ She spoke bitterly, still refusing to look at him, as she tugged her skirt back on.

"And If I refuse?" He spoke with a quiet callousness.

"Then you'd have proved to me that all I am to you is a dirty little secret. And I refuse to be your _dirty little secret_ Potter."

"You damn well know you mean more to me than that. Don't insult what we have Lily" He spoke dangerously.

"We have nothing anymore. You've seen to that pretty well"

As she finished buttoning up her shirt she was overcome with an inexplicable wave of sadness and despair at their situation. She knew, she just knew that she had to give it one last go before she walked out of his room. She stood quietly at his bedroom door, defeated and her voice was a plea laced with quiet desperation and hope.

"This is your last chance James…either take me now, all of me and promise to keep me forever, or never bother me again and promise to leave me alone…forever"

She waited with bated breath, hoping, wishing for what appeared to be hours but in reality was more like a minute or two for him to speak or move.

Nothing, absolutely nothing. Not a word, nor a movement, not a sound.

Tears filled her eyes and as she opened the door and slipped out she swore that in the all-consuming silence, she could hear her heart break. Again.

The next week passed in a complete haze for James, he tried to throw himself in mindless activities. He'd fixed a routine for himself. Wake up, shower, breakfast, classes, dinner, quidditch, shower, homework, sleep. Then the next day, wake up, shower, breakfast, classes, dinner, quidditch, shower, homework, sleep.

He'd purposefully extend quidditch, practices or spend extra time studying with Remus to fill the gaps in the day when he was free. Free to do fuck all, free to think of her and what she was doing, whether she was as miserable as he was.

Lily, for her part, appeared to take every measure to stay out of his way, avoiding him at all costs where the time she spent with him would be absolute minimal and even then she was always surrounded by one her stupid girlfriends.

One particular evening, he'd cut quidditch practice early due to the torrents of rain and had entered their shared commons soaked to the skin, broom in hand.

He was surprised to see her, sitting amongst the table, rune charts, measuring devices, parchment and quills spread haphazardly along the desk.

Something inside him warmed at the sight of her. She had evaded studying in the common room ever since their 'talk', however the warm feeling soon gave way to unrelenting ice as he spotted that Dorcas Meadows sat across from her, sketching some diagram.

Of course. _Of bloody course_, she wouldn't be alone, he thought to himself scathingly. Probably afraid he would ravish her again. She didn't trust him enough to be alone with him.

This would have infuriated him beyond belief if it wasn't for the fact that _had_ Lily been alone, then yes…he would have ravished her. Most definitely, without a doubt even despite her previous warnings.

He would have stormed over there like a man on a mission, ripped that parchment from her hands, pulled her up by her waist, kissed her hard and senseless, run his hands through her hair and over her delicious curves, before carrying her to his bedroom and have her cry out his name again and again. Just like the last three times.

He knew this and was ashamed by it. Yeah, he was a jerk. So _fucking_ what! He was in love with her, so irrevocably, head over fucking heels in love with her…so that made it alright! Didn't it?

He looked over to Dorcas. He didn't know what it was but he had never particularly gotten along with Lily's friends. Well it wasn't that they were on bad terms per se, it was just that…they weren't on good ones either. They weren't on any terms really.

James had always viewed her friends as obstacles between him and Lily, and he had always imagined them to fuel her view of him as an arrogant, undeserving prat, post-dating days. He guessed he couldn't really blame them.

Dorcas looked at him and seemed unsure as to whether she should acknowledge his presence or not. She kept shifting her gaze between him and Lily and finally settled for a meek "Hello."

James nodded in reply and looked back to Lily who completely ignored him, instead asking Dorcas to pass her the quadratic compass. He stood there for a solid two minutes keeping his gaze fixed on her willing her to give him at least some indication that he wasn't dead to her.

It never came.

Her behaviour towards him was so reminiscent of the old days that he was hurt and embarrassed by it, and naturally this translated into anger, which prompted him to storm up his stairs and loudly slam his bedroom door shut.

Lily and Dorcas jumped at the sound.

"Immature prat" Lily uttered

"Lily" Dorcas admonished, "You could have least said something to him. That was so incredibly awkward"

"I have nothing left to say to him Dor, he's the one at fault here not me, and until he comes to his senses, he doesn't exist"

Dorcas looked at her sadly. "But you love him so much Lily…and-"

"I'm not denying that" Lily cut in "I'd never deny that, not to anyone, not even to him, even now. But…but he's hurt me so much. So incredibly much with this"

"So what are you going to do?"

Lily looked up at her, tears swimming in her eyes. "I-I don't know"

It had started in Defence against the Dark Arts, when she had forsaken her usual spot next to Marlene to instead sit next to Fabian Prewett. Fabian _fucking_ Prewett, Ravenclaw's golden boy. He played as Keeper for his house team and James had thought him a relatively alright kind of bloke, decent player, and all round nice guy…well that was until he started getting cosy with his girlfriend, well ex-girlfriend. His Lily

Since when was she even friends with Prewett? That's what James was desperate to find out. In all of their time together she had never referred to him as a friend or even acquaintance, but now there they were, two rows in front of him to the right, sitting closely, talking and laughing like old friends. James wanted to hit something.

He knew he was jealous and he knew it was ridiculous because number one, he had no right to be jealous and number two, there was potentially nothing going on between them. However James couldn't ignore that feeling in his gut that was telling him that there was more going on than what meets the eye.

He had Arithmancy when Lily had Ancient Runes, so he couldn't spy, no…_observe _

her there, but Sirius had informed him that Lily had sat next to Prewett again and that he reckoned that something was definitely going on there.

Sirius had indeed been disconcerted by Evans' and Prewett's sudden…_interest_ in one another. Well if Evans could get over his best mate that quickly, she wasn't worth him in the first place and if something was going on between her and Prewett…well for Prewett's sake he hoped nothing was going on.

Sirius knew it wasn't past James to take out his personal vendettas with people on the quidditch pitch. The number of fractured bones, particularly sustained by players of the Slytherin quidditch team was testament to that. Now that he thought about it, it wasn't past James to take out his personal vendettas anywhere for that matter.

It was during dinner in the Great Hall, when James had come close to snapping. He had walked in and sat next to Remus, helping himself to a serving of roast beef, and potatoes with a dollop of gravy poured on top. As he a took a sip of pumpkin juice, he nearly spat it right back out at the scene the greeted him from across the hall.

Lily was sitting at the Ravenclaw table right next to Fabian Prewett, practically moulded to his side, talking quietly with him. _Hands entwined_.

James felt himself clutching the cup full of pumpkin juice tightly and made to stand up, a furious look adorning his sharp features. He was nearly off the bench, when Remus had spoken quickly and sharply. "Leave it Prongs! This isn't the time or place"

"How can she even- fuck! Moony, he's.. he's a…"

"He's a what Prongs?"

Fabian then leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"Fuck this! I don't need to watch this!" James stormed out of the hall and this perhaps would have created a scene if it wasn't for the loud general chatter amongst the students.

Remus saw Lily watch James leave and noted that as she watched him, she had the…oddest expression on her face.

He also noticed that she sat further away from Fabian than before and that they barely spoke as dinner progressed.

In the heads common room, James sat moodily staring into the fire. After leaving the great hall, he had gone for a fast fly around the quidditch pitch in the hopes of alleviating the tension he was feeling. It didn't help, despite him being out there for three hours straight.

He returned to the predictably empty common room, assuming Lily had already gone to bed. Knowing he wouldn't be able to get a decent night's sleep he'd spent the majority of the evening doing fuck all, not wanting anyone's company.

So he was definitely surprised when the common room portrait swung open admitting in a tired and yawning head girl, returning from her patrols.

Of course, she had patrols tonight…how could he have forgotten?

It seemed she was just as surprised to see him as he was her, as she stood still in shock at the rooms entrance, gaping at him. He glared at her.

Snapping out of it quickly, she all but raced to the stairs leading to her bedroom.

As her foot hit the first step, his voice boomed out across the room. "Lily!"

She closed her eyes, preparing herself for what she knew was to come. What she anticipated as soon as she made the decision to sit next to Fabian in Defence. Taking a deep breath she turned around, readying herself for the inevitable.

"Yes!" She asked in what she hoped was a nonchalant voice.

He jumped right in, as she knew he would.

"Fabian Prewett? _Fabian Prewett_! Lily"

"What about him?" She feigned ignorance and that only served to rile him further

"Are you seeing him!" He demanded

"I don't think that's any of your busin-"

"_Are you seeing him or not Lily!"_ He cut across fiercely

She could see the fire burning in his eyes and she knew she should be wary but she was aroused powerfully by it. God she had missed his passion. She wanted to push him, push him, _push him_, because she had _missed_ him. God help her it had only been two weeks but she had _missed_ him. Even this dark, dangerous side of him

"Maybe I am" She continued with the same nonchalance "What's it to you?"

"What…what kind of fucking question is that?" He spat out, agitatedly running a hand through his hair. "You know what _that is_ to me"

"No! I don't know" She hotly retorted. "As far as I'm concerned you left me! So who I date should be of no importance to you Potter, and frankly it's none of your damn business either"

He stalked up to, invading her space, getting right up in her face. She was both appalled and surprised at how excited she became, at how her heart started to race at his close proximity.

He backed her up against a wall without laying even one finger on her, so powerful was his presence.

He spoke slowly and with quiet and angry conviction.

"He's a pureblood Lily…_a pureblood_"

She swallowed. "So?"

He narrowed his eyes at her. "So, _my love_…" he taunted "You're in exactly the same danger with him as you were with _me_" He tilted his head at her. "Which means you just crawled out of one snake pit, only to crawl into another…which is the most stupid fucking thing you could have done Evans"

Lily glared right back at him. "Oh but there is a difference, _my darling_," She mocked him back. "Fabian at least has the courage and nobility to really be with me and to stand up for our relationship…which is more than what you have done"

She had him. She knew from the shift in his eyes, and rigid stance that she had hit a nerve. She also knew that what she said was complete and utter bullshit…but that was irrelevant.

"I don't give a _flying fuck_ what you think Lily, because its complete _bollocks,_ and as for Fabian…I don't know what his intentions are…but let me make mine clear to you"

He wanted to lash out, Lily could tell, but he kept a tight rein on himself and spoke in the most serious and slow tone she had ever heard him use, enunciating every word, mere inches from her face.

"My absolute priority is to keep you safe. Do you understand me Lily? To keep you _safe_. So _fuck_ nobility, _fuck_ courage, _fuck_ the right thing because as far I'm concerned if it doesn't keep you away from harm, its means _nothing to me_.

She wanted to kiss him then, and it was by mere force of will that she stopped herself from doing so.

"Tell me James" She spoke with a quiet sadness. "What bothers you more about me being with Fabian? The fact that he's a pureblood…or the fact that he's another man…the fact that he's not you"

"It makes no difference" He spoke bitterly

"It makes all the difference" She quickly cut in. "It makes all the difference to me. Tell me" She pleaded

James didn't want to answer. He knew what she was trying to do and damn it, he wasn't going to fall for it.

"Tell me James" She continued "If he was a muggleborn, are you saying you would feel different? That you wouldn't be angry right now? that you wouldn't be hurting? you wouldn't be jealous?

God she was driving him crazy.

"I would be" he quietly confessed. Doesn't matter who it is. I'll always hate it if it isn't me. _It kills me_"

She held his face gently, "Then don't do this to yourself James. Don't do this to me" She begged.

He pulled her hands off, and turned away from her. "You shouldn't be with Fabian Lily" He spoke as if the last few minutes of conversation never occurred.

"James" She pleaded again, her voice wavering

"He's a pureblood" He spoke clearly

"I know alright!" She burst out "I know he's a pureblood James. I've known since second year that the Prewetts are an old pureblood family!" She spoke angrily, bitter and hurt by him.

He frowned facing away from her. "Then why di-"

And then it dawned on him, the realization flowing through him like hot lava. He couldn't believe it! She couldn't have…but she did! He turned on her furiously.

"You did this on purpose!" He accused loudly.

She at least had the grace to look slightly ashamed.

"Why!" He demanded hotly "To prove what exactly? That you have a fucking death wish!" He grabbed her arms "Answer me"

She pushed him away from her. "To prove a point to you Potter!" She yelled back

He looked at her uncomprehending.

"How dare you! How dare you think it's your responsibility to keep me alive! How dare you leave me on the pretence that's it's what's best for me, that it's to keep me safe"

She breathed deeply, trying to steady her shaking voice.

"You're always controlling me, assuming you know what's best for me, best for us. Well you don't know anything James!"

It had been years since he had seen her this angry at him, her eyes were ablaze, her breathing was fast and irregular, even her hair was in disarray.

"I let you get away with so much, so much because I know you love me and you're intentions are always good, but if you think for one second that I'll make it easy for you to leave me for such a stupid reason then you have another thing coming!"

She stalked up to him and grabbed his robes "I swear to god James Potter that if you think the way to keep me safe is by being away from me then I will do everything in my power to put myself in danger, just to spite you"

"Lily!" He cut across angrily

"NO!" She shouted back, hitting his chest with her fist "I'll marry a pureblood! I'll become an auror! I'll duel death eaters! I don't care because frankly a life without you…" She choked out a sob. "For me, that's not a life worth living"

He stared at her in silence, a multitude of emotions flowing through him.

"So you see James" She attempted a half smile. "You might as well just be with me" She let out a teary laugh "Because either way I'm doomed and-"

"Oh shut up already!" He spoke before kissing her intensely, practically lifting her off the ground with his enthusiasm.

She responded with just as much vigour, running her hands roughly through his ebony hair, kissing along his jaw and then returning to his delicious lips.

He pulled away from her "God you're so…so _stubborn_" he uttered before smashing his lips to hers once more. He had spoken the words with such reverence it was if he had called her beautiful.

Lily pushed him onto the common room sofa and straddled him. "God you're such a…an _idiot_!" She proclaimed with the same reverence, before kissing him again.

"I want you to take me to bed" She whispered later on. He did take her to bed and this time their union was slow, deliberate and soft. After all they had all the time in the world to be with one another.

It was late into the night as Lily slept softly on James chest, that he was still wide awake stroking her hair softly, deliberating on how he would break the news to his parents that he was planning on asking Lily to marry him with or without their blessings. He'd think of that tomorrow, he decided. For now he would enjoy this peaceful moment with her, imagining there was no one in the world but them.

_A/N: Do Review, it's polite to do so._


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

She waited patiently amongst the hustle and bustle of chattering students, taking in the pleasant yet excited atmosphere that could only be associated with a Hogsmeade weekend. She observed groups of students piling into various carriages, sometimes in groups of five or six and other times as couples.

Smiling to herself, she could instantly tell which pairs were first timers and which were in seemingly serious relationships. First timers were always extra, _extra_ courteous towards one another, she thought as she observed a fifth year Huffleboy boy stumble over his feet in his attempt to open the carriage door for his blushing Ravenclaw date. Yep, definitely first timers and amateur first timers at that.

Then there were the 'serious relationship' types who were either so loved up that it became a little sickening or those that seemed to have lost all form of courtesy for one another altogether, she thought observing Harietta Bulstrode shout out to her boyfriend from one of the carriages. The latter was too wrapped up in something his housemate was saying to care.

"Hurry Up Marcus!" The shrill voice of Harietta shouted, leaning out the door.

"In a minute!" Marcus had shouted back not even sparing her a glance as he did so.

How they had lasted three years, Lily never knew.

All in all, it was shaping up to be just another typical Hogsmeade weekend.

Only, for Lily this wasn't _just_ another Hogsmeade weekend, she mused as she searched around the students which were now rapidly dwindling in number, as they boarded carriages.

_Where was he?_

She started to fidget impatiently, subconsciously touching her hair which was pinned up into a twisted knot at the back of her head. Usually she wore her hair out.

"Lily!"

She spun round to see Dorcas' short, round frame hurrying towards her.

"What are you still doing here?" She barked, looking around. "Isn't he here yet?"

"Obviously not!" Lily bit back harshly, then immediately regretting her tone. It wasn't Dorcas' fault that Potter was a tardy prat.

If Dorcas had noticed Lily's tone, she paid no attention to it. "Bloody hell, you'd think Potter would be make sure to be on time considering it's only your second date"

Lily had no response to that.

After a few tense moments of silence, Dorcas spoke

"Look Lily, you might as well go in to Hogsmeade with Charlie and me for now" She offered indicating to her on again, off again boyfriend who was patiently waiting outside a carriage, observing them.

"No, that's OK; I think I'll just wait for James"

"Lil, he could be ages and there's practically no carriages left. Do you really want to risk being stuck at Hogwarts. Just...just come with us for now and you can meet him in Hogsmeade, I'm sure he'll find his way there"

Resigned to the fact that Dorcas may be right and dreading the prospect of being stuck at Hogwarts with annoying first and second years, Lily boarded the carriage with her friend, inwardly cursing James Potter.

On the ride there her mind wandered back to their first date and how it had transpired. She closed her eyes, recalling the details.

It was ...it was just...there were no words for it. The entire date was absolutely..._awful, _painful even. There was no disguising the fact that the date had been _horrible_. NOT horrible in the sense in that he was late, or looked terrible or smelt foul, not even horrible in the sense in that he was obnoxious, rude, pigheaded or too forward. Not at all.

In fact, James had arrived extra early, looked absolutely gorgeous in a casual red sweater, and had smelt delicious, like apples, spices and the outdoors. He was the perfect gentleman throughout the date, pulling out her chair and sitting close but not _too close_. He said the right things and kept polite conversation flowing, completely devoid of his usual sarcastic remarks or perverted humour.

And _that_, right there was the problem. The problem was that James Potter, was being anything but _James Potter._

He didn't even try anything past a quick peck on the cheek and Lily couldn't help but wonder what had happened to the guy who had, without her consent, so brazenly ran his hands under her shirt not a week ago. What happened to the guy who had so often pulled her in for a rough kiss, at the times she least expected?

The whole ordeal had been unnerving and frustrating to say the least.

There were times when his attention would wander and he would smirk at something or other, leaning towards her as if to divulge a secret, eyes still fixed on the object of his amusement. Lily loved those moments because she knew he was about to say something incredibly hilarious or scandalous. But then, his eyes would snap to her and she could see him re-assessing whatever it was he was about to say, choosing instead to keep quiet. Lily hated it.

Lily hated it, as she knew the reason for his behaviour was her. He was acting this way because he believed, it was what she wanted. How could she blame him for it when she was the one who had only so often berated him for everything that he represented. She had consistently expressed annoyance for the way he walked, talked, the things he said, the things he did. Was it really any wonder why he was so on guard with her?

It had all been blown so completely out of proportion. Sure she believed he could do with maturing a little...or a lot but she didn't want him to change for her. She didn't want him to change any essence of him that made him James Potter.

She could tell he was just as miserable putting on the farce as she was watching it. He was combination of being on his guard and being bored out of his mind. Two things he had probably never felt in his life. James Potter lived life on the edge and he lived it laughing. He wasn't someone who mellowed down in order to impress a girl.

Now that she thought about it, she couldn't help but wonder whether she'd been stood up. It was after all a plausible possibility. The thought gave her a bitter taste in her mouth.

Sighing to herself she looked across the carriage and noticed Charlie staring at her long crossed legs. Sending a glare in his direction, she promptly uncrossed her legs and attempted to pull down the hem of her too short for comfort skirt. A difficult task when one is sitting down.

Struggling with her skirt, Lily cursed herself, for she knew she was no better than James when it came to changing yourself to impress someone else. Damn Marlene and her insistence to give Lily a 'make-over' for her date. It was that very reason as to why she was so uncomfortable, freezing her socks off in a short skirt and heels that were practically impossible to walk in but gave her 'killer legs' according to Marlene.

She was now conscious of her off the shoulders sweater (which was actually designed to be on the shoulders, but Marlene had improvised) which she was thankful for at least having a fairly loose fit. The last date, Marlene had leant her a tight fitting blouse which had been very uncomfortable indeed. She had done the heels with a tight pencil skirt then too and James reaction had been..._odd_

She remembered meeting him by the carriages, where he had greeted her before slowly running his eyes up and down her figure, taking in her appearance. When he met her eyes, his were filled with...confusion as if he wasn't sure why she was dressed that way.

"You look...different" He had said, sounding a little perplexed.

Well there could have been worse reactions and for that Lily was grateful. He hadn't seemed particularly impressed by her attire, nor displeased, so honestly she wasn't sure what to make of his reaction.

Walking around Hogsmeade had been a complete nightmare since her feet were throbbing and she had tried so hard not to let her pain show on her face. To her horror she had tripped a few times but James had always caught her before she actually fell. The first two times she had tripped he had caught her with a grin on his face, clearly amused, with a "Maybe I should carry you Evans." but the third time she tripped he had caught her with a look of impatience and obvious annoyance. She was embarrassed by it.

Then there were the awkward silences. For some god forsaken reason, she would verbally clamp up around him, and he would go through periods of silence, solemn silence, as if lost in his own world.

It was almost as if they had nothing to talk about if they weren't arguing or yelling at each other. It saddened Lily.

Towards the end of the date they could barely look at each other, he hadn't even held her hand on the walk back to the carriages and didn't even kiss her on the cheek as he left, nor asked her out to the next Hogsmeade trip.

They had seemingly parted ways on depressing terms both filled with a deep but inexplicable sense of failure and loss. It was only with a deep resolve, fearlessness, and a shot of firewhisky that Lily had approached him in the common room two days later and asked him for a second date in front his friends. Remus looked shocked, Sirius looked impressed by her, and Peter was anticipating James' response as if waiting for the climax of a dramatic film.

James was infuriatingly not bothered at all it seemed. He tiredly considered me for a while and then an understanding passed between us. As if we both acknowledged how ridiculous our first date had been and we needed another chance to compensate. He slowly nodded and then spoke.

"Sure why not"

"I'll meet you at the carriages at ten then?"

He turned back to the gobstones match he had been occupied with. "I'll be there"

Except he hadn't been there. Prick.

As the three got off the carriage, she glanced down the high street and around the bustling students. Maybe he hadn't seen her and got onto another carriage?

He wasn't anywhere in sight.

"Lily, Charlie and I are going to Honeydukes before we head to the Three Broomsticks. His brother's birthday is in a few days so we're going to get some sweets to send him, fancy tagging along?"

James wouldn't be in Honeydukes, he was more of the Three Broomsticks or Zonko's type.

Politely declining Lily headed off to the Three Broomsticks, knowing that sooner or later he could make his way there.

The pub was predictably crowded and noisy and Lily had to push her way through a group of rowdy fifth year Gryffindor boys to find a seat in a corner where she had a clear of the pub.

She busied herself with observing random students, and even made pleasant conversation with Emmeline a fellow housemate whom she got along well with, before ordering herself a plate of chips.

Twenty minutes later, she began to worry. She hadn't even seen any of the marauders, now that she thought about it. Maybe one of them was hurt or sick, maybe James was hurt or sick. What if he was in trouble.

She considered returning to Hogwarts and going to the hospital wing just in case. When it had been a full half hour, she got up off her seat intending to do just that, when she heard a bark like laughter sound from the entrance.

Looking up she saw Sirius followed by Remus, Peter and then _him_. He sauntered in with that distinctive lazy yet authorative gait of his smiling crookedly. At his arrival the rowdy Gryffindor boys cheered.

"Well look who it is! The Quidditch Extraordinaire" "Get over here Potter have a free drink on us" "You were brilliant in that last match, we caned Slytherin"

As usual he was the centre of attention and basking in it. He was in his prime and Lily couldn't help but feel that was where he belonged. Mischievous and carefree.

She just sat quietly in her booth, and watched him with his friends and admirers for about five minutes before she saw Sirius glance at her, nudge James in his side and cock his head in Lily's direction. James noticing her for the first time, downed his drink and casually made his way over to her booth.

"Nice skirt Evans" He smirked, sliding into the booth.

She rolled her eyes.

He sat back against the cushioned seat, casually propping one leg up onto the table.

"Why so mellow?" He enquired

She crossed her arms "You tell me Potter"

He took a chip off her plate and ate it before replying.

"If I could tell you, why would I ask in the first place Ev?"

Loud laughter cut through their conversation as Justin Fletcher fell off his seat in a drunken stupor a few booths away.

James looked over and shook his head disdainfully but insincerely, before turning back to Lily.

"Amateur. Don't you just hate it when a person can't handle their alcohol" he asked comically

"Don't you just hate it when you make arrangements to meet a person, but then they don't show up." She retorted giving him a hard look.

He was unfazed.

"I know right!" That really grates on my nerves"

"James" She spoke seriously "You were supposed to meet me by the carriages"

He took another chip, much to Lily's annoyance, and appeared to be thinking it over.

"Was I now?"

"Yes"

"Really?"

"Yes"

He leant forward conspiratorially "Are you sure Evans? Are you one hundred percent sur..."

"Yes! James Yes!" She cut in vexed.

He sat back smirking which only aggravated Lily even more.

"What the hell are you looking so pleased about?"

"Sorry, I just wanted to hear you say 'Yes James Yes'" He imitated, laughing.

She shot up in a huff and would have left the table if James hadn't grabbed her arm.

"Shit! It was a joke alright" He sat her back down

"It's not funny"

"It is to those of us who have actually developed a sense of humour. Don't worry though Evs, I'm sure your time will come soon"

She took a deep breath to calm herself, before she slapped the idiot.

"James. Please take me seriously" She spoke quietly, sincerely.

His eyes shifted.

Softly grabbing both her hands in his, he leant forward, getting impossibly close to her face. His eyes were smouldering and Lily felt almost hypnotised. She nearly sighed

Then he broke the spell.

Cocking his head to the side in a comically caring fashion, he spoke in a patronizing tone. "What is it Lily? Go on, tell Jamie what the matter is"

She looked at him in disbelief. Pulling her hands roughly out of his she got up and left the pub as quickly as she could. Hating him, hating herself, and hating Hogsmeade.

Ten minutes later she heard his footsteps behind her, following her.

"Go away James!" She shouted without facing him.

"Nah I rather not" He spoke

She spun round to face him, stopping him in his tracks.

"How did you find me?" Her eyes were angry, green and smouldering. There was no one like her.

"It was easy. I knew you wouldn't get very far wearing those stilts that you call shoes. Trip up recently Evans?"

She stared at him, anger turning into confusion. "Why are you being like this?" She nearly whispered.

"Being like what?"

She was shaking her head

"Last week you were so...so"

"So what Lily? Perfect, kind, courteous, sweet" He spoke bitterly. "Is that what you want Lily? Is that what you look for in a bloke?

She was about to protest, but he wasn't finished.

"Because that's not me alright. I'm not Prince Charming. I never have been and I never will be. Merlin knows I tried. Tried it for you, _for you _Evans.But I can't lie to myself or to you anymore, because the truth is that farce I played that day, it...it was killing me."

He gently grabbed her arms taking a step towards her.

"_This _is me Lily_" _He spoke with absolute conviction that thrilled her to the core, "This is me" And he smashed his lips to hers and Lily saw stars.

It was as if all his power, all his energy, his spark and everything that made him James Potter was being fused into her. She could tell how much he must have been dying to kiss her. She in turn hoped he could tell just how much she had wanted to be kissed. She felt his tongue in her mouth and would have melted to the floor if his arms weren't latched around her waist.

Just as she began reciprocating he pulled away harshly and she made a noise of protest at the separation.

"This is me" She marvelled at his ability to speak so soon after the mind-blowing kiss they shared

"I'm arrogant, I'm a prat, I play Quidditch better than most people, I'm tardy, I never lie, I get into fights all the time, I hate, absolutely hate pumpkin juice, I'm going to be an auror, I would die for those I love in a second, I would kill for those I love in a second, I don't take things seriously, even when I probably should, I don't take no for an answer (Lily smiled at that one)

"And...and..." He seemed to struggle with what he was about to say next. Swallowing hard he held her face making sure she was looking into his eyes.

"I'm absolutely crazy about you" It was Lily who had spoken and even she seemed shocked at herself.

James looked at her in shock "How did...how did you know I was going to say..." He trailed off, staring at her in awe,

"I... I didn't know you were going to say that" She covered his hand with hers, the hand that was covering her cheek.

"I said it because I meant it. I'm crazy about you James" She repeated. "The _real_ you. The arrogant prat, the one who doesn't take things seriously, the one who hates pumpkin juice" She finished on a laugh.

He didn't respond. Clearly this wasn't the reaction he expected. His face was blank as his eyes bore in to hers.

She threw herself at him, hugging him tight and burying her face into his shoulder.

"You shouldn't have tried to change for me James"

No response from him. He hadn't even returned her embrace. She pulled back to look up at him.

"Never change" She whispered so quietly it was as if she was speaking to herself.

He frowned at her. "Then why are you trying to change?" He spoke darkly, pulling out of her embrace.

"What do you mean"

"Why are you trying to change who you are"

"I'm not try-"

"Lily" He cut across

She said nothing.

He looked her up and down, just like he did on their first date. She was intimidated by his stare, and took a conscious step away from him, which he promptly followed.

He was stood right in front of her, appraising her features slowly. She had never felt so self conscious before in her life.

"This isn't you" He stated softly.

She swallowed hard. His proximity and the intimate way in which he was gazing at her were doing crazy things to her.

"Let's fix that" He spoke getting closer to her still.

She could do nothing but nod slowly.

He reached out to her, running his hands carefully but deliberately over her trembling shoulders, going down to the straps hanging off the edges. His eyes had been following the movement of his own hands but were now boring into hers as he gently brought the straps back up to her shoulders, where they were meant to be.

Then he carefully did up two of the three buttons which had been undone on her sweater.

Lily thought it unbelievable how he could make something like dressing her seem so...erotic.

Still keeping his eyes firmly fixed on hers, he reached behind her head and slowly but deftly pulled out the pins that kept her hair in a knot, causing red lustrous waves to fall and cascade over her shoulders.

Running his hand smoothly through her hair, he smiled at her. "There's my Lily" He uttered.

She couldn't believe how sweet he was being to her, and as they were walking around Hogsmeade, fingers interlaced, she felt incredibly lucky to be with him.

But of course, the prat had to ruin it when he turned to speak hotly in her ear

"Oh and if you enjoyed that, imagine what'll be like when I _un_dress you" He smirked against her ear.

Because after all, he _is_ James Potter.

_**A/N Go on then, let me have it. Don't make me beg.**_


End file.
